Hello, I am Amanda Dread and this is your 24 hour weather channel, saving you from Biblical Catastrophic Global Warming. It’s 8.30 a.m the 15th October 2022 and this is weather alarm 360.
A well-known climate deny-er Hamish Fisher owner of banned website ‘It’s all Bollocks dot com’ appeared in court yesterday charged with an offence under the Climate Deniers Act. He was remanded in custody for a psychiatric report. His court appointed lawyer asked Judge Judas for leniency as it was obvious his client was quite mad.
A Hastings school was closed at lunchtime yesterday as named cold front 'Drizzly Adams' caused several children to slip over on the wet grass. The Hasting weather trauma intervention squad has been called in to counsel the pupils. Two nearby roads have been closed after it was discovered their condition had deteriorated from damp to slick.
Meanwhile in the Marlborough district this morning named fog, ‘Lorna Doom’ smothered several vineyards. There have been unconfirmed reports of hundreds of grapevines wilting under what may be the fog of the century.
Two busloads of carbon emitting Japanese tourists have been partly blamed for the incident. Neither bus had paid the carbon toll and both had expired carbon emission certificates.
In Auckland city the local council has rescinded a stand down alert status to its entire road sweeping staff after named wind ‘Mariah’ was downgraded from windy to a gentle breeze.
There have been many named winds already this year. 7 more than last year, a trend which although it cannot be accredited to climate change is almost with a 97% degree of accuracy caused by climate change.
This catastrophic trend has nothing to do with lowering named winds from 15 knots to 12 knots. The wind research arm of the council says 12 knots of wind causes the same leaf disturbance as 15 knots so should be regarded as just as dangerous.
The Wellington City council has decided to name dangerous winds with numbers as they are already up to wind Zeus and its only October.
On the political front the minister of Carbon Defense the right Honorable C. Hunt announced the retirement of the last carbon emitting vehicle in the armed forces yesterday. The latest addition to the army is an electric armored car from the ethical armament company ‘Green Warfare Systems’. The armored car is part of the new Firm but Fair range and has a range of 15 kilometers. Questioned in parliament about the short operating range of the vehicle the minister replied that the range will be doubled once the armor and the guns are removed.
The minister is also reviewing the new bicycle for the army initiative for an instant response force formerly known as the Be Careful Out There Regiment. The big debate is - Should it have been a tricycle?
Where do your carbon dollars go? New Zealander's have paid 20 billion in carbon taxes and have helped to lower the world’s temperature by a whopping .000003% N.B. this figure has a variation factor of 1-2 degrees.
The UN has announced that at this rate the world’s temperature may well be normalised by 3075. Well done New Zealand.
Now for today’s weather.
Cold front ‘Armageddon’ has stalled in the Tasman Sea.
The current high pressure system ‘Apocalypse Now’ will bring sunshine and light breezes over the whole of the country for the next twenty four hours.
A burn time of 20 minutes has been issued. Remember it is now an offence not to cover your upper torso under the Irresponsible Sunburn Act during an alert.
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