tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87142690706536585902024-03-05T23:34:22.792-08:00Bull Protettore Murder MysteriesMurder Mystery novels by AJ Burton Discussion of police procedure, crime fiction, hard-boiled detective stories and comedy! Find real belly laugh humour here!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.comBlogger20125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-8051975650483554422015-06-28T17:41:00.002-07:002015-07-13T00:40:33.600-07:00Lying To Get In<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lying to get in<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A J BURTON<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: 18.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">What
am I doing on this giant moving stairway?</span></i><span lang="EN-US"> <i>This must be a dream I’ll wake up in a
minute. Funny thing is I can’t remember going to bed. Last thing I remember is
crossing the road, I answered a text on my cell phone, heard some yelling, you
know things-like.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘“Lookout you stupid bastard, there’s a bus
coming.”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘“Oooh did you see that?”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘”I feel sick, look at all the blood.”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘“Fancy texting while you are crossing a
busy road, what a bloody moron.”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘“I think he is dead.”’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">‘“Of course he’s dead; he was just hit by a
bus for Christ’s sakes.”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“It’s not nice to talk of the dead like
that, what about his family?”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"> ‘“I
think his head has come off.”’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Wait
a minute, my head has come off? No it’s not, its fine but still doesn’t explain
this bloody great elevator heading up into the clouds? Oh-uh since when are
elevators made out of white granite? Why are so many other people looking about
like they are as confused as I am? Unless- oh shit. Right standard procedure
for checking if it’s a dream, pinch yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">“</span></i><span lang="EN-US">Oow,” <i>Bugger, one more time,
this time a slap in the face like that fat guy did ahead of me. </i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i><br /></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><i>“</i>Ooooow,
now that did hurt.” <i>There is a distinct
possibility I am dead.<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">Tap
that guy in front of you on the shoulder see if he speaks. </span></i><span lang="EN-US">“Excuse me mate, is this a dream?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I bloody hope so my flight was due in ages
ago.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Your flight?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yep the pilot said we are experiencing
turbulence and we are going to try and climb over it. What the hell is this
place?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Look I don’t want to worry you mate, but
there is a distinct possibility that we are both dead. I think </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was hit by a
bus?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The man’s face went a whiter shade of pale,
he started to sob. He looked away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i><span lang="EN-US">This
looks bad, at least there is a heaven perhaps, at least this elevator is going
up. Or maybe up is down, not a good time to be an atheist.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was either on the stairway to heaven or
hell. Mist surrounded me I was in a total whiteout. When the fog disappeared I
found myself standing in the biggest, whitest lobby you could ever imagine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The large sign saying welcome to the newly
dead kind of clinched it for me. I was dead and this was the lobby of some enormous
celestial resting place. There were thousands of anxious looking people of all
ages milling about. I wandered amongst the marble columns with the rest of the
boisterous crowd.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I began to get nervous; the religious were
right and the atheists wrong. People were forming into lines. Children were
ushered straight through a set of massive doors. They were laughing and
skipping. White coated angels both male and female whispered and smiled. The
line began to shuffle forward. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Eventually I reached a desk. Behind the
desk sat a man with a long beard. He smiled at me and I smiled back. There was
an enormous leather bound book open on the desk. He turned the page and ran a
finger down it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Are you A J Burton?” The man smiled, his
voice was kindly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes God, I am. I came as soon as I got
your message.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I am not God, I am an angel and don’t be
flippant. I was an accountant for Pontius Pilot and I am </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">doing penance for my
sins. I am here to welcome all the new arrivals.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Bad luck you being the accountant for
Pontius Pilot, so God was angry at you for working for the man that killed
Jesus?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No not at all. I was fiddling the books
and I had sex with Pilots first and second wives.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well they were obviously really <i>hard</i> times in those days.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Are you taking a liberty with me?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No just trying to lighten the situation a
little. So it’s true, God really is a forgiving man. Can I ask you Mr. Angel,
am I really dead?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I’m afraid so A J.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No chance of a reprieve or miraculous
recovery then?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“According to my records you were
decapitated by a bus. An old woman who witnessed the accident was so horrified
she had a heart attack and died. Would you like to speak to her?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Um, no thanks, I think I have ruined her
day enough as it is. So what happens now?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well you need to answer few questions
regarding your eligibly to get into heaven.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Oh, I see. I suppose if there is a heaven
there is also a hell then?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well of course, you should already know
that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Oh, well I did of course. But you can’t
believe everything you are told.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Why not it’s God’s law; have you not read
the bible?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“The bible? Well it was a long time ago.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Here in heaven we have a policy of totally
believing the information told to us by the recently dead. Sorting out who’s
lying and whose not is just too much trouble.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You do? Oh well that’s a refreshing
policy. You believe <i>everything</i>?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes, I just said that. Look A J it’s a
very long line and we need to move along. Now how often did you go to church?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Church, oh yes church. Um let me see, I
went every Sunday if my memory serves me right.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“That’s all?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No, agh - sometimes I would go at night on
my own for some simple private prayers.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“That’s good A J well done. You get extra
spirit points for that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Spirit points, could you possibly
elaborate a little?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Alright but I am pushed for time. The more
spirit points you get the better class of dwelling you get.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Oh, sounds a fair scheme. I was nearly a
priest once.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well done, that’s more spirit points.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">That’s when the little voice inside my head
woke up. <i>A J this guy believes everything
you have just said even though you haven’t been in a church for years. This is
your chance to - you know, get some more spirit points. I looked at the kindly
looking man who was writing furiously in his book.</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Can I ask a question - um sorry I don’t
know your name?” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Call me Peter, but I am rushed for time.
There’s a bus going over a cliff in Guatemala in an hour and I am going to be
rushed off my feet shortly.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Peter, when did the accepting everything
as gospel policy first come into force?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Right after the Second World War we were
just so swamped with people, our leader Saint Peter decided we the clerks of
heaven must be totally trustful of everything disclosed at this first meeting.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes I can see how that would be a problem.
So did a certain Adolf Hitler get into heaven?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Wait a minute, I’ll check. Adolf Hitler,
when did he die?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“1945, April, in Berlin, Germany.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes here he is Adolf Hitler, Arch Bishop
of Dusseldorf, former soldier, painter, aged 56. Why did you ask?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No reason, I have to admit on telling a
small lie just before, I want to apologize.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Lying is bad you will lose points for
that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I just didn’t want to sound too boastful.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You must just tell the truth, please hurry
I am very busy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Alright I was a priest and later on a
Cardinal.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Why didn’t you say that before? You will
get a small bungalow near the seaside for that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“</span>Just a small bungalow?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes it’s not like you were Pope or
anything.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well I was considered for Pope but I
turned it down.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You did, why was that?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I didn’t think I was good enough, so I
donated the rest of my life looking after homeless children.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Your Spirit Points are going berserk. You
have earned a large apartment at the Holy Sea beach resort, now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I prayed a lot more than I admitted
before. I was even praying when that Bus hit me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well done A J, when a man is killed while
praying he gets the maximum points. You get to live as a personal guest of
Saint Pious at his most holy castle. No need to say anymore. You will end up
with all the great people, Arch Bishop Hitler, Saint Stalin, Pol Pot the pure, all
the top people live there now.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Oh they do? Tell me Peter what does
everyone do all day.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well they do what they have done all their
lives, they pray all day and even at night. Life is just one big Church
meeting.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“What forever?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Of course heaven is eternal. But you
already knew that right? Here all religions are represented you get to talk
with Jews, gentiles, Muslims, Buddhists all day every day. Religion is the only
topic discussed at the Holy Castle.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Peter, I haven’t been quite honest with
you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Not again, remember if you have been
caught telling too many lives you are sent to hell.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“What do people do in hell?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“A man like you wouldn’t like hell, A J.
The place is full of atheists, lustful women, fornicators, people trying to
have sex is rampant there. Not a virgin to be found. It’s just one big party
after another. Men go hunting, fishing they watch sport all day and drink beer.
Golf seems to be the main religion in hell. Wanton women are everywhere; sex is
more common than conversation.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“That’s enough Peter. I can’t stand the
deceit any longer. I’m an arsehole.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“No swearing please this<i> is </i>heaven.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Sorry peter but all I have told you is a
big fat lie.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You could go to hell for that.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“How far into hell.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Well you lost all your spirit points and
now you are a lower level gutter snipe living in a one room apartment just down
the road from a brothel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I used to blaspheme all the time.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You will now have to live in a one room
apartment over the brothel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I have only ever prayed in my life to win
lotto and get laid.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You will have to live in the brothel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I cheated and lied.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You will own the brothel.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I always fiddled my taxes, and I looked at
porn.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You own the brothel and live in a
penthouse at Bright Sands Hotel for fornicators.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“What do I need to live near the sea and
own a boat?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Admit you slept with more than one woman
at once.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“I slept with three, no make that four.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You will be sent to the salacious sea
resort for drunken, fornicating fisherman, actors and golfers. Your crew for
your 60 foot fishing boat will be made up of sexually depraved women. My God
man, don’t say anymore. You don’t want to end up in purgatory.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Why not, is it any worse than hell?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“A lot worse, we send all the lawyers and
Politicians there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“All of them?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yes everyone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Ok that’s it, I’ll stop there then.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Are you sure that’s everything.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Yep I’m ready for hell, I will just have
to suck it up.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Alright A J here’s your get into hell for
free card. Now go to room fifty four for your operation and good luck.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“What happens in room fifty four?”<br /><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“You have your testicles removed, that’s why the place you’re going to is
called hell. The lawyers added that clause in in 1927 they are such a pernicious
bunch.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Bloody lawyers. Can you give me a few more minutes Peter, I
haven’t been entirely truthful with you this time either.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-51409107855221897042014-11-23T16:57:00.002-08:002014-11-23T17:04:39.341-08:00Writing is like learning a trade<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h2 style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="color: #e69138;"><u>Writing is like learning a trade</u></span> </h2>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Over the years I have found writing is like learning a trade. When I was an apprentice mechanic I remember staring into the workings of a stripped down gearbox and thinking, how am I ever going to learn how that works?</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Writing as it turns out is very similar to fixing cars. It is so much more about repetition and by doing the work learning the tricks of the trade. You can read as many car manuals as you can but there is no better experience than getting your hands dirty and doing the practical work.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It’s the same with writing. You can read as many books as you like on how to write but until you sit down in a quiet room and record your ideas in words you will never progress. <span style="color: #b45f06;"><b>Failure in writing is just learning. </b></span>A first draft will never ever be as good as the final rewritten and polished manuscript. And you will never get a final polished manuscript until you have started your novel and finished your first draft.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The saying, <span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>‘Your worst work will always be better than the best work you never did.’ </b></span>is applicable to writing. The book you have written in your head is a waste of space in your brain if you don’t write it.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My publisher Christine edits my work and she can be quite critical. Taking criticism is how you learn to write. This works for me because readers of books are in my opinion more intelligent than your average non-reader. A reader will find your mistakes, your bad grammar, holes in your plot, the weakness of your characters.<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b> </b></span></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"><b>No book is perfect</b></span>; almost every novel will have the odd typo or a ‘the’ instead of ‘there’ but I try to have the finished manuscript as near to correct as humanly possible.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I had only two years in high school, so writing has been a long and difficult road. Fortunately I have received support from my wife Jackie and my family who are not afraid to critique my work. </span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Christine has also inspired me to keep writing when sometimes I doubted I could do it.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a><b><span style="color: #b45f06;">My books may never be bestsellers but that is not why I write.</span></b> I enjoy the challenge: from starting from a clean sheet of paper to holding a published book in my hand. It is the same sort of thrill I enjoyed from breaking in a wild colt and turning him into a well-mannered racehorse.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I hope you enjoy reading <span style="color: #38761d;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B008QMSAV0" target="_blank">Seeking Angel</a></span> my NYC serial murder mystery in<span style="color: red;"> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O2AA0TU" target="_blank">Kiwi Liaison</a>.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><span style="color: red;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Here are links to<a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PDN0JW8" target="_blank"> <span style="color: blue;">Comedy Candy</span></a> and <span style="color: #b45f06;"><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00994MVNC" target="_blank">The Secret Empire </a></span>on Amazon.</b></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Here is a link to my books on Google Play </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://play.google.com/store/books/details/A_J_Burton_Comedy_Candy?id=XbI8BQAAQBAJ&hl=en" target="_blank">Comedy Candy</a></span></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> and </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><a href="https://play.google.com/store/books/details/A_J_Burton_The_Secret_Empire?id=z0qqBAAAQBAJ&hl=en" target="_blank">The Secret Empire</a>.</span></span></b></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>NZ Paranormal Comedy <span style="color: red;">The Hoodle</span> will be published very soon</b></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>A J Burton.</b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00PDN0JW8" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOasuw4mEDR7s22e6OPn2QrJC1Mqpvn7qvXVB9_Zq-dwvdyTvGNl78PXY-ck-wdFJIltQKtv24f9fBVfpB7IkuVsbzrJK9clkSWtyRIPwUle5wFUgtfzVxa2oKA4xqNPxmFQB_QQdizRpC/s1600/candycollection_500x750.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00994MVNC" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjz-xEkgQdU4oC0cZivlcsDx446uTEqsVwa4ToBVWheYo8ggsbEgjYlEyW4Y-wBEp7j3ja8cU3T5j-iWtTcMV8Mr05ZGY38Z9FvB5BCIquNu_aAmfa9yimGAso1XzF_KmeEKVhJA5qpqIDO/s1600/FINAL_Atlantea_FRONT_Ebook+(1).jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; orphans: auto; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-31369709143247900152014-10-16T17:48:00.000-07:002014-11-23T16:59:37.800-08:00Book bundle Kiwi Liaison<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
I proudly announce my book Seeking Angel is included in this awesome collection of three novels and a selection of racy poems from New Zealand authors.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNxAl08ZsNeXUu64uTIp1Ds_3sveaq-NxbJnjTAJxCoWcRdzm9gvnJV5TiShdJ0OBz2Bq85AUS2LtVQsvNYCt_NwBeaOsfwEmouUDfQVkqB2NY4dvKB5gg_wLIOZ55Zw3at9LyQW0H5Ro/s1600/3dcover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhNxAl08ZsNeXUu64uTIp1Ds_3sveaq-NxbJnjTAJxCoWcRdzm9gvnJV5TiShdJ0OBz2Bq85AUS2LtVQsvNYCt_NwBeaOsfwEmouUDfQVkqB2NY4dvKB5gg_wLIOZ55Zw3at9LyQW0H5Ro/s1600/3dcover.jpg" height="320" width="247" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<h2 style="background-color: #ffe4f1; clear: both; color: #000064; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00O2AA0TU" style="color: #2200a9; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Amazon Kiwi Liaison</span></a></h2>
<h2 style="background-color: #ffe4f1; color: #000064; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.libiro.com/index.php?route=product/product&product_id=1334" style="color: #2200a9; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Librio Kiwi Liaison</span></a></h2>
<h2 style="background-color: #ffe4f1; color: #000064; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><a href="https://play.google.com/store/books/details/Catherine_Taylor_A_Kiwi_Liaison?id=CM2qBAAAQBAJ&hl=en" style="color: #2200a9; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Google Play Kiwi Liaison</a></span></h2>
<h2 style="background-color: #ffe4f1; color: #000064; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue;"><a href="http://store.kobobooks.com/en-US/ebook/kiwi-liaison" style="color: #2200a9; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span style="color: blue;">Kobo Kiwi Liaison</span></a></span></h2>
<h2 style="background-color: #ffe4f1; color: #000064; font-family: Georgia, Utopia, 'Palatino Linotype', Palatino, serif; font-size: 20px; font-weight: normal; margin: 0px 0px 0.5em; position: relative; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: blue; text-decoration: none;"><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/kiwi-liaison-a-j-burton/1120420470?ean=2940046289978&itm=1&usri=2940046289978" style="color: #2200a9; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Nook Kiwi Liaison</a></span></h2>
</div>
<div>
The bundle is only 99c so you are getting GREAT Reading bang for your buck from this collection.</div>
<div>
The great news is I have a terrific idea for where the sequel to Seeking Angel is going so check out part one in Kiwi Liaison and part two is now finally being written.. Subscribe to my blog updates by email and then you will be first out of the blocks once the sequel is published. </div>
<div>
If you like your murder/mystery with spice and humor Seeking Angel could be your cup of tea.<br />
<br />
Below are the details of each book in the compilation.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho8IC8yaQ8U8pN0tAinJDbUzrqP8-1fZLix8_Wu0jP-4dom9CTjJ1WCfcxHaTbG9XsK1WOfQsmOaL6KHwDs1zJ5rDNzQepfkVOSAU8dVxqRjlIRysjYqm1AiTVZ12GA99s2NiDLMeKRJk/s1600/Absence+Cover+Kindle+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEho8IC8yaQ8U8pN0tAinJDbUzrqP8-1fZLix8_Wu0jP-4dom9CTjJ1WCfcxHaTbG9XsK1WOfQsmOaL6KHwDs1zJ5rDNzQepfkVOSAU8dVxqRjlIRysjYqm1AiTVZ12GA99s2NiDLMeKRJk/s1600/Absence+Cover+Kindle+(2).jpg" height="320" width="198" /></a></div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="Mistress_Z1"></a>
<b>Mistress Z</b> - A compilation new work and poems from published
collections <i>Restraint</i> and <i>Absence</i>.</div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
“<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;">Restraint
sends wave after wave of unrushed, sensual ideas and images over the
reader, who is transported into a realm of deep sensuality, passion
and desire.” </span><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><i>Jess C Scott,
Author</i></span><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"> </span></span>
</div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0.35cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
“<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;">A
breathtakingly eloquent collection of verses and prose. They take the
mind and the body to magical and vulnerable places that only few can
get to on their own. A truly seductive read for one, but best shared
with two.” -</span><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><i>Ms. Quote,
author and blogger</i></span></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmvB9VHGZ5zO01aZYgQt9mvNcLBxq-VG6koDmPE8MlzI1Jb55Np2ARlGEo4KwVLJcUWf4EcTQNaOs2d5wHDY1-aAEJUSJQvaHJf1mAAKhztqiMVgpFxJyOltiu3tm3FAgXOV4s4id_2c/s1600/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizmvB9VHGZ5zO01aZYgQt9mvNcLBxq-VG6koDmPE8MlzI1Jb55Np2ARlGEo4KwVLJcUWf4EcTQNaOs2d5wHDY1-aAEJUSJQvaHJf1mAAKhztqiMVgpFxJyOltiu3tm3FAgXOV4s4id_2c/s1600/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="Seeking_Angel"></a>
<b>Seeking Angel</b> - Detective Bull Protettore seeks Angel,
missing; believed to be in the company of a secretive bi-sexual
Dominatrix. Discover how Angel is the clue which leads Bull and his
partner Tommy to the serial killer who is terrorizing NYC. Bull and
Tommy are in a race against time to unravel the twisted ropes of the
truth to exact justice and revenge.</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“I truly enjoyed
reading this book mainly because the characters weren't perfect. They
all had their own little quirks and issues that made them seem so
real. It actually felt like they could walk off the page and shake
your hand. I would definitely recommend this book to my friends.”
<i>Amazon 5* Review</i></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWspscZ43o_MmxV9GstuTD11_c2lX-X0W-5Bce9j0Nz6iQCpjOaUGMPLNKWxqDEe9BisVFyYI2PX3MquQWPh-a41ylAq9hXzQiclkG8f4rTHD7KrZf01FdGHCeWvNh4UiAte28m7ZenL4/s1600/q_avocado.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWspscZ43o_MmxV9GstuTD11_c2lX-X0W-5Bce9j0Nz6iQCpjOaUGMPLNKWxqDEe9BisVFyYI2PX3MquQWPh-a41ylAq9hXzQiclkG8f4rTHD7KrZf01FdGHCeWvNh4UiAte28m7ZenL4/s1600/q_avocado.jpg" height="320" width="213" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="Avocado"></a><b>Avocado</b>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Dawn and Stuart, each
running away from the past meet in the Bay of Islands, a NZ tropical
beach paradise. They flirt but the past keeps them apart until Stuart
uses his shaman skills to bring them together. Or was it the way Dawn
uses the avocados from the tree growing beside the house which broke
the ice?</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“This book contains
some of the most well written, sexy smut I've ever read, the
characters and the story can stand on their own. I absolutely love
this book, and whilst I rarely openly profess to enjoy such saucy
literature, I regularly find myself recommending this book to
friends. It's moving, emotionally and sexually. Enjoy!” <i>Amazon
5* review</i></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“So many genres
collide here to extreme effect. Romance, erotica, family, culture,
place and more. It makes for an intensely human book. The characters
don't arrive, they feel like they have been there forever. If you
don't know your cultures, Kiwi, Aussie, Indian, Rastafarian, this
will encourage you too read about them. The sex scenes are tender &
endearing,and no I'm not going to tell you about the avocado. I
admire the way the author gets into the skin of her characters,
really making them flesh with a combination of reality and myth. This
is educated erotica, superb.” <i>Amazon 5* review</i></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgTiZDpMumiRQgs54FjMkTm8f8REFpzG1nUiLQeRK9H4i2GUBD_4a8_f3VKKT6yGCCyHwQjiLlk1g-z86IMX7QVxTR9ybxOJy2aHfjZeR81G043E9oFvvI3Z1ezIapafQLrNesh4lIrhY/s1600/The+Finest+Line+Cover+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgTiZDpMumiRQgs54FjMkTm8f8REFpzG1nUiLQeRK9H4i2GUBD_4a8_f3VKKT6yGCCyHwQjiLlk1g-z86IMX7QVxTR9ybxOJy2aHfjZeR81G043E9oFvvI3Z1ezIapafQLrNesh4lIrhY/s1600/The+Finest+Line+Cover+(1).jpg" height="320" width="224" /></a></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b>The Finest Line</b>
</div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;">When
potential Olympic gymnast, Mairead Kavanagh wakes up in an Australian
hospital after a drug and alcohol binge, her ordeal has only begun.
The police are waiting to interview her over the death of her friend
Joshua Mason who has plunged to his death from the balcony on which
she was found.</span></span></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-NZ">Frightened
and a long way from her home in New Zealand, she has no one to turn
to until the arrival of the one man who has intimidated and
infatuated her more than any other.</span></span></span><br /><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-NZ">James
Vaughn has been her chauffeur and body guard for five years and the
only person who has been able to subdue her. An ex soldier of the
British Army, James is composed and disciplined, unlike his boss’s
daughter who seeks constant excitement which sometimes can prove
dangerous.</span></span></span></span></span></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;">Forced
together until he can get her home, the barriers of their
relationship begin to break down. Mairead fears her attraction to him
stems from the strange desires that she has fought to suppress. s
their relationship blooms, her happiness is short lived because of
another man who knows a terrible secret about Mairead. Now she must
choose between the two men, one whom she loves and the other who can
destroy her life.</span></span></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;">“<span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span lang="en-NZ">The
Finest Line by Catherine Taylor is the first in a truly excellent and
authentic trilogy exploring myriad facets of domination, discipline
and masochism while never departing from a heart-warming and
deepening love story.”</span></span></span><span style="color: black;"><i>-
Kindle Book Review</i></span></span></span></span></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<br /></div>
<div lang="en-NZ" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; text-indent: 1.27cm; widows: 2;">
<span style="color: black;">“<span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #333333;">I
really enjoyed this book. It was very interesting and kept drawing me
back to it every time I put it down. The writer does a wonderful job
with the characters, you fall in love with them and hate them too.
Very well written. Highly recommend this book to anyone wanting a
romance with a little spanking twist!!”</span> <span style="color: black;"><i>Kindle
Book Review</i></span></span></span></span></div>
<div align="CENTER" style="margin-bottom: 0.11cm; margin-top: 0.42cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="__RefHeading__9993_106704548"></a><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="AbouttheAuthors"></a>
<span style="font-family: Garamond, serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><u><b>About the Authors</b></u></span></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
PJ
Bayliss has been writing poetry within his personal memoirs for many
years, but has only recently turned his attention towards creative
writing. Following the success of his Kindle poetry books he plans to
publish two poetry books in print editions before he releases a
series of romance novels under series title "Chemical Romance"
in early 2015. @PJBaylissAuthor on Twitter</div>
<div align="CENTER" class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Catherine Taylor has a
passion for the art of telling a good story, whether it be in film or
book. Her life has revolved around theatre and movies, through
acting, production and scripting for both. Much of her life has been
devoted to social work, but she has pursued other ventures, including
a business in Gothic merchandise. These days she prefers to spend her
days writing and spending time with her husband of thirty years,
their four children and two grandchildren. @NZEroticAuthor on
Twitter.</div>
<div align="CENTER" class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A J Burton is a retired
policeman, harness horse trainer, gibstopper and small block farmer.
"I have loved reading since I can remember. I have owned horses,
dogs, and cats since I was twelve years old. I enjoyed the bush,
surfing, snorkeling, rugby, and judo and now in my retirement I enjoy
fishing on the family boat. I am married with four boys and one
gorgeous grand-daughter." Follow @bullburton on Twitter</div>
<div align="CENTER" class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
***</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Christine Leov Lealand
is a keen 'prepper' and ‘burner’ (Burning Man) loves the
outdoors, is a blue water sailor, historian, belly dancer, adventurer
and lifelong reader. At five years old she decided she had to be a
writer. Christine is CEO of Quintessence Publications and finds it
takes up all of her time. Too frequently she has to stop editing,
writing and book cover buying to hurriedly feed her husband, Zulu the
cat and three fat chickens. @loveleov on Twitter</div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-21440505985118307482014-06-30T17:47:00.000-07:002014-07-01T01:19:56.201-07:00Gymn Bunnies<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: justify;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img alt="http://www.gymmembershipfees.com/five-best-gym-equipment-acquiring-six-pack-abs/" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPVi_JMofsU6RKiYu9A_DvYronVrcmf9tLWQHw5dhDg1D-r-YOquMwRZu6c85SWv3YVOC6iBGRbpCGXi7tDhw3SGPnn_TS90zcKjQ0TcPQy726ALeX5HzjKQPuAGUZPdz_tdCi-Jeu5rg/s1600/Rowing-Machines_GymMembershipFees.jpeg" height="247" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" title="One of those fit women - I must do better than she can." width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pic courtesy of <a href="http://www.gymmembershipfees.com/five-best-gym-equipment-acquiring-six-pack-abs/" target="_blank">Gymn Memb Fees</a></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a>
<span style="font-size: 20pt;">Gym Bunnies</span></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Six weeks ago I and the voice in my head finally decided to do something about my
weight. The first thing I did was change my diet. I decided to have
the occasional treat so I wouldn’t have to be totally depressed. Previously if
I wandered into a bakery without lawful excuse I would buy a meat pie
and a doughnut. Now, I only get the doughnut.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have cut down on my
butter intake by only buttering one of the slices of bread when I
make a sandwich. I have cut down on my bread consumption from eight slices a day to four, except for the weekends which are my diet
amnesia days.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So how is this life
change working? Well not exceptionally well or even moderately well
but it is enough to stop my belly from further expansion. My ace in
the hole was to join a gym.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Yes I know, there is
no sight more depressing or forlorn than a middle aged fat man in
a gym but that is the price of gluttony a fat man must pay. I must do
my penance. People say as an excuse ‘I am big boned or - I have a
lower metabolic rate than normal.’ But it is a lie.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have grown from 90kg
to 118kg over the last 25 years and now I am fat, unpleasantly obese,
overweight. I'm a rotund, glutinous balloon of a person.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Doctors and
nutritionists say in relation to men, that if you stand naked and look
down you should be able to see your general parts or at least parts
of your parts in general. Not only had all my general parts vanished
from sight, even my size eleven and a half feet had all but
disappeared. My doctor warned me I was on the brink of taking blood
pressure pills permanently.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the voice in my head
and I joined the gym. While this voice is helpful to me as a writer
it is a total pain in the arse in a gymnasium. The voice in my head
is an annoying, smart arse, macho bastard! <i>He</i> is the bastard
that makes me pose naked in the bathroom mirror and then taunts me
pointing out the eyesore my body has become.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The owner of the gym is an attractive middle aged woman with the physique of an athlete twenty years her junior.
She wears leotards with athletic singlets that show every detail of her lithe, fat free muscular body. That is fine, as she is a great
advertisement for her gym. Her gym is full of similar leotard
encased muscular athletic woman. Some are instructors and personal
trainers while others are woman of all ages who are heavily into
rigorous sporting endeavors.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And they are all so
nice to me! They smile at me when I enter and say good morning or
afternoon. But the real problem is they are all so damn fit! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If there
is one thing my macho inner voice hates it is women who are
athletically stronger and fitter than the lazy blob he lives inside.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Right from the get go
he made trouble for me. Everyone joining the gym is assessed by the staff who
design a personal fitness program plan of recommended, graduated
exercises. I watched as the gym members referred to their plan cards
like they were the athletic bible.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My macho inner voice
immediately said: “A program plan is not for <i>you </i>sunshine. Whilst you are an
embarrassment to the entire male race you do not need some smiling
Amazonian, leotard clad, former kitchen dweller to tell you what to
do.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A gym is a male
domain. It should be full of grunting, sweaty men wearing hoodies
with the arms torn out. There should be swearing, poor light and the pong of years of perspiration coated unwashed floors and grimy wall decor.”</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“So you want me to do
my own exercise regime then?” I asked.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“And why not, look
how pleasant the woman instructors are? Where are the tough no-nonsense male
instructors eh? You are not here for pleasant talk with attractive women, you fat bastard.
You are here to <i>reclaim </i>your <i>maleness</i>. Your job is to show these
women that a gym is a place of pain, profuse sweating, suffering and
inappropriate farting. You should be instructed in exercise by sadistic retired
commandos who believe death by exhaustion is a healthy way to get fit.”
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“So where do I
start?”</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Let’s start with
the rowing machines. I can see two women chatting as they row like girls. I
bet they are talking about flower arranging. Go on, strap yourself
into the machine next to one of them - now look at the screen on her machine. Don’t let her see you
looking, stupid! Out of the corner of your eye, that’s it.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Check her strokes per
minute, and how many calories she is burning per hour with each
stroke. Whatever she is rowing for her plan you must <i>double </i>it. She is a mere woman.”</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I began to row and had to stop gasping with exhaustion and fear of death by the time I had rowed 1000m. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Put more effort in you sissy! Get into it fatso.” the macho idiot ordered me.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Eleven minutes later I slumped forward on the rowing machine. My breath came in ragged
gasps. Sweat poured down my forehead blinding my eyes.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Why did you pick the
rowing machine you bastard? I am having a <i>stroke</i>.”</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Don’t let the
ladies see you like that. Have you no shame? Stand up. Look
nonchalant, like it was nothing. Gawd you are a pathetic excuse for a
man. Drink some water. Don’t dribble, honestly you look like you
are melting. Right, Mr. Blobby, now for some real exercises for your
arms and chest. Those man titties and love handles have to go.” I staggered to the weight lifting machines.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“Remember the golden
rule, always check what the women are lifting and then double it. If
she is one of those cross training, multi sport, or body building
freaks at least lift the next weight up.”</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have attended the gym
for six weeks now and I still don’t have a plan. Even the men have
plans designed by the women. I am plan-less and my wife says
brainless as well. The average time a women exercises there is 45
minutes so I exercise an hour and a half.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Below is a breakdown of
my current exercise regime.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Row two thousand meters
in under 9 min 40secs.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Use six arm, shoulder
and chest exercise machines with weights from 80 lbs. to 150 lbs. Do
multiple repetitions in lots of ten or twenty depending on the
weight.
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
150lbs? That seems
excessive. Well there is a reason for that. You see the teenagers
from the local high school also attend the gym. The macho swine
inside me insists that I also compete with the males as they are
technically still young adults and no self respecting adult macho man should lift less than them either. Back to my list.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I do a hundred and
fifty stomach crunches on one machine and a floor mat. I do as many
in a row as I can without crying out when the cramps hit. Then complete the
rest in sets of twenty.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I get on the bicycle and
pedal for 4 and a half kilometers. I must pedal faster than the women on
either side of me but not less than 100 rpm and sprint for the last
minute.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
How I got to the 100
rpm limit was because one day there was one of those Amazonian super fit
multi-sport type athletes on a bike next to me forcing me to compete
with her. OH I know she never looked at me but she knew I was killing
myself to keep up with her, she <i>knew</i>.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We completed ten
minutes; she strolled off to chat with one of her friends. She hadn’t
even sweated through her makeup. I stood hanging onto the bike because my
legs had turned to shuddering dog roll. My forehead had sprung a
permanent leak and my heart couldn’t seem to decide whether to
explode out through my chest or my spine. </div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The macho scumbag inside my
head was saying things like, “You’re the <i>man</i>. That was <i>awesome
</i>for a fat bastard. I bet she is on steroids.’</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After the bike ride I
walk to the other end of the gym for another 150 stomach crunches. On
that day the walk was very slow as I needed to support myself on
several of the large pieces of gym equipment to stop from crumbling
to the ground in a quivering mess.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After another 150
stomach crunches I finish with another 2000 meter row, which the
macho idiot informs me is the Olympic distance for rowing events <i>but
</i>I have to do it <i>twice</i>. This ensures that I am totally exhausted every day.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
“You must be mad!”
cried my wife when I explained my approach to fitness and losing
weight. I must confess she is probably right. </div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But what are the
results six weeks down the track? I still have muscle soreness
and stiffness in my thighs, arms and stomach but it is slowly
decreasing. I have lost 5 kilos in weight.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have frequent unrealistic fantasies about Iron Man events involving climbing mountains, swimming oceans and
intercontinental bicycle rides.
</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Two days ago after I
finished my four days a week gym session I realized my recovery from
near death elapsed time was getting shorter. It is working!</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Oh and when I stand
naked with my arms at my side and look down, my general parts have
reappeared. Is it possible my stomach has shrunk that much? Or has
all that exercise increased the size of…?</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
All I can say is its
<i>back </i>to the gym on Monday.</div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-12706499965057921802014-05-08T15:00:00.000-07:002014-05-08T15:00:58.516-07:00The Dumbest Thing I've ever done - so far<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
The Dumbest Thing I Have Ever Done</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWMEMi8xJUvHJqUjBJm6510dgsxKi7r7vLeytlXkYyl8H0u3H4nyQcyekJ1N2xZu7LOE0uoNVjJvRevi9inVhCPuys_k27BNjXlVJzJyQOgbupQZt600Ba5AhiQfa5wv4m94cp-Yi1Yp8/s1600/112602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWMEMi8xJUvHJqUjBJm6510dgsxKi7r7vLeytlXkYyl8H0u3H4nyQcyekJ1N2xZu7LOE0uoNVjJvRevi9inVhCPuys_k27BNjXlVJzJyQOgbupQZt600Ba5AhiQfa5wv4m94cp-Yi1Yp8/s1600/112602.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></div>
<div align="CENTER" class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">by A
J BURTON</span></div>
<div align="CENTER" class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Would you
volunteer to be water boarded? Or listen to all the works of
Shakespeare in Swahili? Probably not, only an <i>idiot </i>would want
to do that, right? </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Well say
hello to an <i>idiot.</i> The man afflicted with the 'mostly'
suppressed macho gene. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">A few
months ago I had an appointment with the medical super clinic in
Manukau City. Manukau City is part of Auckland City in the North
Island of New Zealand. Yes a city within a city. Don’t ask me why,
it’s the bureaucrats’ idea. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I was
scheduled to have a gastroscopy to check that my reflux wasn’t
caused by anything sinister. In case you don’t know gastroscopy is
a procedure where a long tube with a camera at the end (endoscope –
image above) is slid down your throat and finally into your stomach.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">The clinic
told me to arrive early and not to have eaten anything the night
before, or that morning. The super clinic performs minor operations
where I don’t have to stay overnight after I come out of the
operating theatre. I would receive some aftercare to make sure there
are no complications from the anesthesia drugs. I also needed a
driver as you are not allowed to drive for 12 hours after the
gastroscopy.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">After
giving my appointment letter to the receptionist I sat waiting my
turn amongst dozens of other patients. I was struck by the amount of
older persons awaiting operations. It was like staring through a
looking glass to the future. I tried to tell myself, you are still
relatively young but a small voice in my head kept reminding me I was
now sixty. Old age and senility is just a few twists and turns away.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">By the
time my name was called I was somewhat depressed. I took my form to a
consulting room where the operation was to take place. There I met
the doctor, a middle aged man with expensive shoes and an attractive
brunette nurse looking smart in her uniform.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">The doctor
explained I wouldn’t be completely unconscious but would receive
enough drugs to keep me in a semi state of consciousness. Then for a
reason I can still to this day never explain, the not very repressed
macho gene insisted I ask this question.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">So
doctor, do you have to be put under to have this procedure?”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">His face
lit up. In retrospect his mind must have been calculating how much
extra time he was going to get on the golf course that afternoon.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Why
yes, some people have been known to be able to endure this procedure
without any anesthesia at all. Plus they can be released straight
after the procedure. You can drive yourself home.” The macho gene
which had now morphed into the idiot gene informed me that I was one
of those braver than brave heroes who don't need any sedation to have
a long tube rammed down their throat.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">We can
try it if you like. You can always change your mind. Nurse let’s
get ready. Sign here Mr. Burton. Sit in the chair. It is a very safe
operation, I have done hundreds.” He was probably thinking 'This
will make a good story on the 19<sup>th</sup> hole this afternoon.'</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Before you
could say Geneva Convention I was in the chair. The smiling nurse or
was she laughing? Placed a mouthpiece in my mouth. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">This
will protect your teeth.” With the other hand she produced a long
black tube with a tiny bulb arrangement in the end.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I had this
dreadful feeling they were going to hammer the camera tube down my
throat. I had some sort of numbing liquid sprayed into my throat. Now
was the time the Doctor should have said.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Ha-ha
of course we are now going to give you a sedative to help you through
this. Only an imbecile would want to endure this without one.” Or
even. “Now you are absolutely sure about this Mr. Burton? There is
still time to put the drip in your arm.” </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">But
instead the nurse leaned over and whispered. “Here it comes, you
will experience a gagging reflex. Try and work your way through it.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I can’t
remember which one of them started stuffing what felt like a garden
hose down my throat. I had the mother of all gagging reflexes. I went
from hero to zero in a heartbeat. I tried to tell them.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">This is
a mistake. I am choking to death. Let’s start over again and I'll
have a shed full of sedative please.” But all that came out was.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!” I remember telling whoever would listen
“Take this f*&^%king thing out of my throat I want drugs!”
But again all that came out was. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhh.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">You are
doing well Mr. Burton. Only another meter and we will be there. Look!
You can see the camera pictures now. How do you feel?”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">How the
hell do you think I feel? You stupid woman. I’m choking to death
here.” But in reality all she got was another
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh” In fact my entire conversation
consisted of “Aaaaaaaaaaarh,” and similar such gagging noises
because you cannot talk with a huge tube in your throat. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Nearly
there, Mr Burton. Just going into the stomach now. Look at the
screen.” The doctor somehow expected me to want a guided tour?</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhh,
uuuuuuuuurgh aaaaaghh.” Translation: You look at the bloody screen
you evil bastard. I just want that thing out, <i>right now</i>!”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">You are
doing marvelously Mr. Burton,” joined in the nurse “You still
ok?”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrggh.”
- “No, I am <i>not</i> you <i>brainless</i> woman. I am choking to
death; I can’t seem to breathe and my heart's going like the
clappers.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Good.”
she said sweetly, “Hang in there. Not long to go.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Hello
here’s something?” The doctor announced cheerfully. “I'll just
rotate the camera a minute. A bit of discomfort coming.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">AUuuuuuuuUUUUUAHOOOuuuuuuurgh.”
A <i>bit</i> of discomfort? You have to be joking - it feels like you
have a front end loader excavating my interior.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">All
good, nothing to worry about. Pulling out in a second.”<span style="font-size: 11pt;">
He peered at the screen manipulating the controls. </span>The second
seemed to last minutes as I gagged, sweated and gripped the chair,
hoping I might faint.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Coming
out now.”</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Aaaaaaaaagh.”
Thank God for that - I thought you were going to want a retake.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">There
now. You are <i>really</i> brave to do that without a sedative Mr
Burton. How do you feel?” The nurse patted me on the shoulder.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I should
have said. “I feel like a fool, if I had even the faintest idea how
bad that was going to be without a sedative I would have demanded
seven of them.” Instead the idiot macho gene kicked in again and in
a raspy voice I croaked.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">Thanks,
can I leave now?”<span style="font-size: 11pt;"> I almost ran
out of the building in case they wanted a re-shoot.</span></span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">The moral
of this story if there is one, is that when you are offered a
sedative for even what seems like a minor procedure there is probably
a <i>very good</i> reason why one is offered. </span>
</div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_GoBack"></a><span style="font-size: small;">For
men only: If you are having a minor operation and the attending nurse
is attractive, she may activate the idiot, macho gene. I suggest
closing your eyes and imagining that she has a row of black rotting
teeth. Her breath smells like the inside of a bachelor's fridge and
she has a mole the size of a horse’s eyeball on her chin with three
long black hairs growing out of it.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">I drove
home with only a sore throat. When my wife arrived home later that
day (she is the practice manager for a medical centre) I told her
what I had done.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">She didn’t
think I was brave at all, like the nurse did, but she <i>did </i>say.</span></div>
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
“<span style="font-size: small;">You
bloody idiot. Next time I’ll send you with a note.”</span></div>
<br />
<div class="western" style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: small;">It’s so
hard to be a hero sometimes.</span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-19833693744589444112014-03-23T20:41:00.002-07:002014-03-23T20:41:32.136-07:00Forecasting weather - 2022 Politically Correct Broadcast from New Zealand<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Hello, I am Amanda Dread and this is your 24 hour weather channel,
saving </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">you</i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> from Biblical Catastrophic
Global Warming. It’s 8.30 a.m the 15th October 2022 and this is weather alarm
360.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A well-known climate deny-er Hamish Fisher owner of banned
website ‘It’s all Bollocks dot com’ appeared in court yesterday charged with an
offence under the Climate Deniers Act. He was remanded in custody for a psychiatric
report. His court appointed lawyer asked Judge Judas for leniency as it was
obvious his client was quite mad.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A Hastings school was closed at lunchtime yesterday as named
cold front 'Drizzly Adams' caused several children to slip over on the wet
grass. The Hasting weather trauma intervention squad has been called in to
counsel the pupils. Two nearby roads have been closed after it was discovered
their condition had deteriorated from damp to slick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Meanwhile in the Marlborough district this morning named fog,
‘Lorna Doom’ smothered several vineyards. There have been unconfirmed reports
of hundreds of grapevines wilting under what may be the fog of the century. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Two busloads of carbon emitting Japanese tourists have been
partly blamed for the incident. Neither bus had paid the carbon toll and both
had expired carbon emission certificates.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">In Auckland city the local council has rescinded a stand
down alert status to its entire road sweeping staff after named wind ‘Mariah’
was downgraded from windy to a gentle breeze. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> There have been many
named winds already this year. 7 more than last year, a trend which <i>although</i> it cannot be accredited to climate
change is almost with a 97% degree of accuracy <i>caused </i>by climate change. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">This
catastrophic trend has nothing to do with lowering named winds from 15 knots to
12 knots. The wind research arm of the council says 12 knots of wind causes the
same leaf disturbance as 15 knots so should be regarded as just as dangerous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The Wellington City council has decided to name dangerous
winds with numbers as they are already up to wind Zeus and its only October.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">On the political front the minister of Carbon Defense the
right Honorable C. Hunt announced the retirement of the last carbon emitting
vehicle in the armed forces yesterday. The latest addition to the army is an
electric armored car from the ethical armament company ‘Green Warfare Systems’.
The armored car is part of the new <i>Firm but Fair </i>range and has a range of
15 kilometers. Questioned in parliament about the short operating range of the
vehicle the minister replied that the range will be doubled once the armor
and the guns are removed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The minister is also reviewing the new bicycle for the
army initiative for an instant response force formerly known as the Be Careful Out There Regiment. The big debate is - Should it have been a
tricycle? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Where do your carbon dollars go? New Zealander's have paid 20
billion in carbon taxes and have helped to lower the world’s temperature by a
whopping .000003% N.B. this figure has a variation factor of 1-2 degrees. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The UN
has announced that at this rate the world’s temperature may well be normalised by
3075. Well done New Zealand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Now for today’s weather. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Cold front ‘Armageddon’ has stalled in the Tasman Sea. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">The
current high pressure system ‘Apocalypse Now’ will bring sunshine and light
breezes over the whole of the country for the next twenty four hours. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">A burn time
of 20 minutes has been issued. Remember it is now an offence not to cover your
upper torso under the Irresponsible Sunburn Act during an alert.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">This message has been brought to you by UV 5000 the complete
UV protection. Remember use responsibly, overuse may cause skin cancer. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Buy those Carbon Bonds, the <i>new </i>way to buy <i>better weather</i>.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-43678375769200947462013-12-03T20:17:00.001-08:002014-03-22T21:37:47.973-07:00The Hoodle Coming Soon<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<h2 style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">The Hoodle</span></span></h2>
<h1 style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; margin: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small; font-weight: normal;">Here is a sneak peek into the paranormal comedy novel AJ Burton has been writing for the past 18 months.</span></h1>
<h1 style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; margin: 0px; position: relative;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small; line-height: 16px;">We hope you enjoy reading it half as much as we have enjoyed writing and editing it.</span></h1>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15.199999809265137px; line-height: 16px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span lang="EN-NZ"></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 15.199999809265137px; line-height: 16px;">
<span style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">NB this work is sprinkled with malapropisms and is in NZ English. If the body of the text appears in caps it is a glitch in blogger, as it was not posted in caps.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span lang="EN-NZ"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span lang="EN-NZ">The Hoodle:- </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpFirst">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Sometime after midnight tonight, I
need to grow a pair. I must become a Gladiator, a Jedi Knight and Batman, all
rolled into one. The Lycanthrope we face is immortal or even older and he is
cunning, immensely strong and so, so deadly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">My name is Jake Fangle and I’m
twenty three years old. Somewhere inside me there lurks a hero. Maybe he could
cease lurking for just one night. This night!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">The only glimmer of hope is that
I too am a lycanthrope, of sorts. Sounds like some sort of parasitic tapeworm,
doesn’t it? According to folklore, it is the correct terminology for a
werewolf. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">I swear upon my mother’s gin
soaked corpse this story is completely true. Sorry mum, I didn’t really mean
that. Guess there are some residual feelings which I haven’t dealt with yet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">This brief account is a
confession of my failings, so you will understand what I have gone through and
won’t judge me too harshly whatever the outcome. So here we go; I’ll try to be
honest. There is no point in lying about where this all took place, except
about the country, the town and the people in it. Remember this is the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, except for the parts which are a complete and
utter fabrication.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">I’m no writer, I’ll get things in
the wrong order sometimes; say the wrong word, put it in the wrong context.
This syndrome is real and is referred to as a malapropism or bushism so it’s
not all my fault. If you are a grammar nazi now is the time to put down your
marker pen, take off your jackboots and learn that even those of us with the
grammar retard gene have a right to tell our stories.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">My mother didn’t trust the New
Zealand Education Department so she home schooled her only child. No blackboard
and chalk for me, instead she put her faith in a bottle of gin and a carpet
slipper. Sometimes mum rang the school bell for assembly at three in the
morning. Try to remember your <i>fourteen</i>
times tables then, I dare you! Many a lesson ended in a thump as mum hit the
floor after a few lunch break gins. So I’m afraid my education is somewhat
lacking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Mum left me the house when she
died, so I do okay. I’m single so I don’t need to earn much to make ends meet.
I never knew my father. According to my mother he was a lazy, thick-headed
arsehole; hopeless with money and he didn’t have a romantic bone in his body. I
wonder under what circumstances they managed to conceive me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">But to get back to the present,
the last 28 days have dictated that tonight my friends and I stand and fight.
My survival depends on confronting and vanquishing a beast who intends to
devour me. The werewolf will never give up until I am deceased or even dead. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Thank goodness I won’t have to
face The Dog No One Ever Speaks About alone. But what chance do two cowardly
dogs, a brave but clumsy idiot, the WWWC, and a Hu-oodle have to destroy a <i>real </i>Lycanthrope? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ"> Unless we can kill this hideous beast there is
no hope for us. One by one he will track us down, each of our deaths too
horrible to contemplate. My friends are precious to me and I don’t want any of
them to die. Sometimes to my shame, I thought if the idiot got it, I could live
with that. But even after all his screw-ups and systematic destruction of my
home I wouldn’t wish that on him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Should I fail, I shall be torn
apart, ripped to pieces, eaten and once you are dead brother, life ain’t worth
living. In the unlikely event I should be the victor I’ll become the local
werewolf, so I must keep the real location of where this is all happening a
secret. My home town could be a sleepy village in Hertfordshire, England, or an
out the way town in the mid-west of the America’s or in the village of Sanyo in
Japan. Or maybe it’s a country town called Wekawaka in the Wairarapa district
of New Zealand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Wekawaka is situated off State
Highway Two but it also could be off Route 66 in California or the M1 motorway
in England, or even the Hitachi yellow brick road in Japan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">It is a sleepy town with street
lighting and shady trees lining the sidewalks. Generally everyone knows
everyone else and their business. Think of Wekawaka as your everyday imaginary
country town.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Wekawaka’s only distinction is
that with alarming regularity tourists and trampers disappear in the rugged
bush covered hills beyond the town. The rumour was that there was a sort of
Bermuda Triangle effect going on and the local constable always seemed to be
looking for someone. It didn’t bother us locals much; if the dopey tourists
were too stupid to use a local guide that was their problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ"> One out of towner, an Australian no less, once
said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">“If New Zealand was a constipated
person you would insert the enema hose up the main street of Wekawaka to give
him relief.” It’s a pity <i>he</i> never
went missing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">We have a post office, a main
street with hardware store, supermarket, garages, assorted small shops, cafes
and two burger bars, one at either end of the town. There is one police
constable, or sheriff, or ninja, or whatever they call cops in Japan but I
shall refer to him as Constable Knowsley.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Knowsley considers himself a
talented super-cop with a one hundred percent clearance of burglaries. Knowsley’s
crime busting abilities must be taken with a grain of salt. We only had two
burglaries in town last year, and criminal offender turned out to be the
constable’s twelve year old son Sheldon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Whenever our policeman spoke to
you it was usually to ask “Have you seen this person?” and you would be shown a
picture of a tourist standing smiling beside a hired camper van. Funny thing
was he never seemed to find any of the missing persons, not that we heard about
anyway. Once you disappear in the Wekawaka triangle you <i>never</i> return.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Ken Wilson my neighbour across
the street was a keen tramper. He was middle aged and owned a miniature poodle.
Yancy-boy was his name, I used to tease him and called him Nancy-boy, but he
never got the joke. Why Ken would want a tramping companion who was no bigger
than an obese albino rat, totally escapes me. He certainly wouldn’t have been
much use as a hunting dog and was about as scary as a brightly coloured
tea-cosy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle">
<span lang="EN-NZ">Suppose he was kind of cute, he’d
see you coming and yap around your heels like a wind up squeaky toy. Yancy-boy
must have done something real bad last month on that fateful full moon night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-48555561419497404832013-10-15T21:13:00.000-07:002013-10-15T21:13:03.489-07:00Sex in the City - A Pacific Island Tale<h2 style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: large;">Sex in the City - A Pacific Island Tale</span></h2>
<div style="text-align: center;">
A satire based loosely on recent events in New Zealand's largest Pacific Island City. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
By A J Burton.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Characters: <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Mayor Marvin Paisley<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">His girlfriend: Wang Chung: (absent)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Paisley’s Lawyer: Mr Jonas Bent<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">PR Assistant to the Mayor: Ms Alofa
Oi-no-lie<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">The Mayor walked into the plush rooms of
the firm of Bent, Swindle and Contrivance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Ah Marvin, come in and take a
seat. You don’t mind me calling you
Marvin, do you your Honour?” Jonas Bent guided Marvin into a spacious office.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Well – ah - I prefer Mayor Paisley for
formal occasions, Mr Bent. But as this conversation is off the record, Marvin
will do fine. This is Alofa Oi-no-lie my Public Relations assistant.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Pleased to meet you Mr Oi-no-lie, I
like your Lava-lava.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Talofa darling. It’s not a Lava-lava,
Mr Bent - it’s a <i>frock</i>.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“I must explain, Jonas. Ms Alofa
Oi-no-lie is a Fa’afafine; a transgendered Samoan. When it comes to equal
employment opportunities we of the Super City are totally committed to
multicultural inclusion.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“So, was having it off with a Chinese
staff member also working to your equal opportunity employment policies, then
Marvin?” Jonas eased his thousand dollar suit into the leather chair behind his
ornate desk. Behind him there was a panoramic view of the sprawling city and
harbour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Everyone sit down,” he intoned.
“Remember everything you say in this meeting here in my office is sacrosanct.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Wait a minute - I thought you were the
Mayor’s lawyer Mr Bent, are you a priest as well?” Alofa raised her plump hands
in the air. “Praise the Lord we have God on our side.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“No! Sacrosanct means nothing said at
this meeting will ever leave this room. Everything we say today will not be
recorded - in fact it will have never happened.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oh, I see, so we not really here then.’
She sighed dramatically. “And I wore my special frock too. This is a strange
palagi way to resolve Mayor Paisley’s problem.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“It’s alright Alofa, it means we don’t
want anyone else to hear and discuss what happened.” Marvin flashed a vote
winning smile at Alofa.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“But it’s in all the newspapers. How you
been caught giving your Chinese girlfriend a good fucking on your desk, in the
council chambers. Even my auntie in Samoa knows about it.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“She does? How did she know so quickly?
The story only broke last night.” Jonas demanded as Marvin looked panicked. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">"I rang
her up on da phone and told her.” Alofa leaned forward and patted Marvin’s
hand. “Don’t worry boss, I told her it was a secret and not to tell too many
peoples.” Bent and Marvin rolled their eyes and face palmed in unison. Bent came
up smiling thinking, this is going to cost more than I first thought, what a
wonderful ca-ching moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“You better start at the beginning
Marvin, now is the time to be honest. Leave nothing out. I need all the
details.” Bent’s smile resembled a Great White homing in on a lone fur seal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Awesome!” Alofa rifled through her
handbag and pulled out a tapa decorated notebook and pencil. “Auntie wants more
details <i>as well</i>.” She sat expectantly, the notebook on her knee. Bent and
Marvin looked at each other for a moment then they looked at Alofa who had
already started to write.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Alofa, you must not take <i>any </i>notes. You
must never repeat what you hear today.” Bent took off his glasses. “This is a
secret meeting to discuss how we are going to defuse the situation and get
things back to normal here at city hall.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Ok, good idea.” Alofa grinned. “You can
go back to fucking your wife then, your Honour.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Please, Alofa. No notes. Let me get
this off my chest. I have a heart condition and high blood pressure, this situation
with Ms Wang Chung is not helping.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Ok boss, you get everything off your
chest. I can keep secrets.” Alofa crossed her arms and knees revealing enormous green painted toenails bulging out of tight orange plastic sandals
under her colourful frock.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“It all started at a function for a high
ranking airline executive from China. Ms Wang Chung was part of the official
greeting party. We chatted and I found myself attracted to her feminine
pulchritude.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Is that a palagi word for pussy Mr
Mayor?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“No, it means I thought she was
beautiful. Now if you don’t mind, I shall continue. I sent her some texts and
the long and the short of it was she agreed to meet me for lunch.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“She is a slut Mayor, you only ask her
for lunch and she wanted to fuck you?” Alofa smiled.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Well … yes she did flash her eyes at me
but I am just as guilty as she is, Alofa. She is young and I am middle aged. I
was flattered that she desired me, things went on from there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Can you remember when you first had
sexual intercourse?” Bent leaned forward his voice barely audible. Alofa threw
her hands in the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“You want to go <i>that </i>many years back Mr
Bent? We might be here all night.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“No! I meant with Ms Chung. Carry on
Marvin.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“We first had coital relations in my
office about five or six days later.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oh, that is a big mistake Mayor. Even
in Samoa we never bring the relations along to things like that! People talk
you know.” Alofa was staring at Marvin reprovingly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oh what’s the point? I am trying to be
diplomatic. I can see it’s no good sugar coating everything. Alofa, I meant I
had <i>sex</i> with her, I <i>fucked</i> her, <i>gave</i> her one, <i>screwed</i> the
pants off her, and did the deed. <i>All</i>
of those things OK?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oiiieeee that many times eh? No wonder
your heart is on the blink.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Marvin and Bent face-palmed again.
Bent’s sides began to heave. He took out a pack of tissues, usually used for
comforting his clients after they heard his hourly rate, and began to wipe his
eyes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“I am sorry Marvin, I know it’s not
funny but, look at this from my point of view. Now where did you find Ms
Oi-no-lie?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Following national policy, council staff decided
we needed to hire someone who was from an ethnic minority and also from the gay
community. It is part of our multicultural policy; we must show we represent
every community in our city, no matter how diverse. My PA Reginald told me he personally
selected Ms Oi-no-lie after a vigorous recruitment program.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Yes, Reginald and I held many vigorous
interviews before I got the job.” Alofa volunteered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">This time only Bent face-palmed. He took
a deep breath and said “Alright Marvin, so you had sex with Ms. Chung in your
office. Now I need to know about the time you were caught by a security guard
having sex in the Ngati Whatua Room.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“It was late at night, my office was
being cleaned. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by having sex in the Ngati Whatua
room. It was just there, a big quiet room out of the way of the cleaners. I
didn’t think...”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“It’s alright boss. Me and Reginald have
had two interviews in the Ngati Whatua room. We used all the furniture but-”
she giggled, “I fixed the broken chair up with duct tape.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“O My God! Having sex is becoming
endemic amongst your council’s employees.” Bent stood up, turning to look out
the window. He felt left out, none of the employees at Bent, Swindle and
Contrivance appealed to him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Oh, no chance of an epidemic Mr Bent.
Reginald is a <i>real </i>gentleman; he brings his own condoms. We clean up after
ourselves and I made sure I put the Kentucky Fried Chicken boxes in the rubbish
bin. We like it like that.” Mr Bent tried unsuccessfully to relax into his
seat once more. He was breathing heavily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">“Thank you for that insight Alofa.” Said
Marvin firmly. ‘To get back to </span><i style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">my </i><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">story. In the Ngati Whatua room Wang and I
were naked, having sex on the boardroom table, when I heard someone open the
door. I froze; I just couldn’t move. I couldn't breathe and thought I was going
to have a heart attack. Ms Chung told me to do something. I don’t remember
what, but I couldn't move. I just stood there and the security guard walked in.
It was my fault, I should have done something.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“I agree,” said Bent. “We must do some
damage control. This action was very disrespectful of our local Maori Iwi. Do
you remember who the security guard was?” Marvin hung his head and shook it
slowly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“There, there Mr Marvin, don’t feel bad.
Ms. Chung is a lying slut. She told the press that you can only fuck for two
minutes and that she thinks you are only a four out of ten in the sack. Even
the cleaning staff say youse are at least a five.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Bent staggered to the window. “Stop,
stop, I am sorry Marvin, I am <i>not </i>laughing, believe me.” He said leaning
against the window frame gasping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“You look like you laughing Mr. Bent.”
Said Alofa sternly. “It’s not funny. The palagi press have made our Mayor look
like a fool; making jokes about his little laititi and him cumming so quickly.
Even my auntie say he is just like a boiled egg - finished in two minutes.
Sorry Mayor, auntie Palamo has no class.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“We need solutions,” Marvin stood up and
began to pace the room. “Ideas. What are we going to do about the security
guard for instance, how do we keep him quiet?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Pay him off of course,” Bent smiled.
“It’s not rocket science. If he works for the council perhaps a small promotion,
if he is on contract maybe a lengthy renewal clause?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“What about the press? Most of them owe
me a favor here and there but the others want their pound of flesh.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“You are newly elected and you need an
overseas trip Marvin. I hear the Los Angles’ city council is installing a new
sewerage system. Maybe you could take the wife for a few weeks until this blows over.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“How apt, I am so deep in the shit now I
have to hold my nose to stop breathing it in.” Marvin flopped back into his
chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Good. Then that leaves Ms Wang Chung.
Let me set up a meeting. Everyone wants something in these matters I find.
Recognition, employment, a new reputation. Once she has been out in the cold
for a while she will come round to our way of thinking. However, we will have
to spend a little more than what it cost for black lingerie from the two dollar
shop.” Marvin hung his head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“I know I’m a cheap skate. But I feel
better already.” Marvin took a deep breath. “Thank you, Jonas, I know I am in
capable hands.” The Mayor held out his hand and shook Bent’s vigorously.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“The firm of Bent, Swindle and
Contrivance is here to help you in every way possible. Naturally there will be
considerable expenses, but I am sure the city ratepayers will be more than happy
to pay to protect the good name of their Mayor from slurs.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">“Of course, the public have their uses.”
Mayor Marvin stood. “Come Alofa, we have another meeting. Remember this meeting
never took place. It never happened. Alofa? Where has she gone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman', serif;">Alofa was already halfway down the
stairs speaking into her cellphone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">“Hello Auntie, I have just finished a
palagi meeting that never happened. I have heard of such things - you </span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;">wouldn't</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"> believe that these palagi are so devious. Now I have to ring my cousin Sione, you
know the one who walked in on the mayor screwing his Chinese girlfriend? I can
tell him now that he is going to get a big pay rise. You know that 55 inch
color TV you wanted? Well it’s coming auntie, almost as quick as the mayor.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-49832097570556462522013-09-09T19:19:00.000-07:002013-09-09T19:19:02.200-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The Whitsunday’s and beyond.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The drive to
Airlie Beach and the Whitsunday Islands was long and we passed numerous
kangaroos dead on the side of the roadway hit the previous night as they sought
the sweet grass by the side of the roads. It is sad but in a country this big, fencing
the side of the roads would just be impracticable. Remember if you are thinking
of coming to Australia and driving from city to city distances are huge! Even
our GPS we named Doris seemed to have a sense of humor as she stated in her
posh English voice. “Drive straight for 378 kilometers then make a right turn.”
</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOpsmTrJUfroOaax8pixvOR6Vs-z5IlXy5A_ekCpP5DmQpcAzxq212B2R1VQefoTkUm9EHgtKCztwm7fWJPMyd2mv7J_Yb05SopoAlfgRX19Rf-oqf1KC0dtV5bWTW1dqPBjYsMdfdwvA/s1600/DSCN0614.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOpsmTrJUfroOaax8pixvOR6Vs-z5IlXy5A_ekCpP5DmQpcAzxq212B2R1VQefoTkUm9EHgtKCztwm7fWJPMyd2mv7J_Yb05SopoAlfgRX19Rf-oqf1KC0dtV5bWTW1dqPBjYsMdfdwvA/s320/DSCN0614.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">On the way to
Airlie beach we drove through Rockhampton and headed for Yeppoon. Due to lack
of available accommodation we stayed for one night in an overpriced apartment
tower called Bay-view Towers. We renamed them Faulty Towers. At $160 a night
you would expect good facilities. Things like plates, knives and spoons; if you
wanted these you were charged an additional $5. There were no cooking
facilities except a microwave. The ranch slider to the balcony refused to open
and there were so few plug outlets they had extension cords running around the
room.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Determined to
get some value for money we went looking for the spa and swimming pool complex
advertised in the in-room information brochure. Mysteriously they had vanished.
Maybe it was another add on? How a large apartment complex can advertise a
facility that doesn’t exist leaves me speechless. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">I passed a radio
billboard on the way out of town advertising ‘NAG’ Radio not a very compelling
call sign I thought. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">While Hervey Bay
seemed to be semi tropical, Airlie Beach seemed like a resort you would find in
places like Fiji, complete with coconut trees. Tourism must be booming this far
up the coast everything is bigger and brighter here. We found a nice motel
apartment just a few hundred yards from the beach. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Up north they
get those stinging jellyfish here from October to May so at Airlie beach they
have a man made lagoon for swimming all year round. What a great idea!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfPI5HHoyFx4uNph7_OkFxlhZre3nu35a23L0iw1X7FBMXGM5sbXdeSSdRyG0IlNWF_-EzNRHjvJwKcEMupXCS6_JAm4VU2_kqDp7Q2xoyHDJWCms7v5wrO5cmFIYQVPYHRSIFEXgcEk/s1600/DSCN0627.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEfPI5HHoyFx4uNph7_OkFxlhZre3nu35a23L0iw1X7FBMXGM5sbXdeSSdRyG0IlNWF_-EzNRHjvJwKcEMupXCS6_JAm4VU2_kqDp7Q2xoyHDJWCms7v5wrO5cmFIYQVPYHRSIFEXgcEk/s320/DSCN0627.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">On our last day
at Airlie Beach we went on an island tour known as ‘the three island’ tour on a
big wave piercing catamaran. Seeing skyscrapers on Hamilton Island kind of
spoiled the view from the sea while the rest of the villas genuinely tried to
blend in with the tropical forests. We never stopped at Hamilton Island which
is a resort island for the rich and famous as well as the moderately well
heeled.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The boat did
stop and anchor on what surely must be one of the most pristine and unspoiled
beaches on the planet. Whitehaven beach is miles of pure white silica sand and
clear turquoise blue water. This beach has not been developed and is all the
better for it. The water was a little cool but compared to New Zealand waters
at this time of year it was. The longer you stayed in, the warmer it felt.
There was a large sea turtle swimming about but he was just a little too far
offshore for me as I didn’t have any swim fins.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwcIq2xT_FplO5x8rMcPIGsyDTKjSWbXcQ6woaolFIs6JS5Iswl1ahxlsLGZfQ-RvvmEVQqRX0smq4BgBmiy2Y0j2RHQchCBtnDNt94Fie8hTmWEP-9Q8mN0ADh1JkdehNXVnszXc9Phw/s1600/2013-08-28+11.28.24.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwcIq2xT_FplO5x8rMcPIGsyDTKjSWbXcQ6woaolFIs6JS5Iswl1ahxlsLGZfQ-RvvmEVQqRX0smq4BgBmiy2Y0j2RHQchCBtnDNt94Fie8hTmWEP-9Q8mN0ADh1JkdehNXVnszXc9Phw/s320/2013-08-28+11.28.24.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">After a dive on
the reef at Hook Island and being surrounded by hundreds of reef fish we ended
up with an hour and a half on Day Dream Island which is a resort destination.
Another swim and a hot spa rounded off the day in facilities which were first
class.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 210.8pt; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The next morning we left for Mission Beach with a stopover in
Townsville to stretch or legs. It was a long drive but an easy drive on a good
road clearly signed with plenty of places for a rest or refreshment break.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 210.8pt; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">Mission Beach had taken a hammering in a cyclone earlier this year
and reminded us that in the summer tropical storms can spring up at any time.
Still it is a beautiful spot and is quickly recovering from the damage.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9v_acXHuszExO2pqqVZNjHhTxJFi80rLIXuMDkKCvhoK5eDmPKMfexJkkDyFSPAPc-YQiV7Uh9WmTuIIltuhi1yFZSL-uW4nnaN-Am-Fr6D-C84jxjOLNf3_PkR9s334Dr5mizW4VVsc/s1600/DSCN0678.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9v_acXHuszExO2pqqVZNjHhTxJFi80rLIXuMDkKCvhoK5eDmPKMfexJkkDyFSPAPc-YQiV7Uh9WmTuIIltuhi1yFZSL-uW4nnaN-Am-Fr6D-C84jxjOLNf3_PkR9s334Dr5mizW4VVsc/s320/DSCN0678.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 210.8pt; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="tab-stops: 210.8pt; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-US">The next morning it was an easy drive to Cairns, mission
accomplished!<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a></span></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-72594116131566166602013-08-27T04:04:00.000-07:002013-08-27T04:04:04.410-07:00<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><b><u>Whales and Dingoes</u></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I was keen to see if the hype about
observing a humpback whale close up was worth it. Well it was! Seeing these
magnificent creatures in the wild and being almost close enough to touch them
is, infinitely better than seeing them on television. The first thing that
strikes you is their size. They are huge, yet they have a serene majesty that
makes them a true wonder of the animal kingdom. They pop their heads out of the
water and simply observe you in the same way us curious humans observe them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">At no time are they frightening, or in any
way threatening. The whales in Hervey bay are on holiday pausing before their
long swim back to the Antarctic. I watched as a young calf breached the surface
as it swum beside it mother. The mother feeds its calf by expressing milk
straight into the water and its calf strains out the milk the same way as the
older whales feed on the plankton and krill. Seems wasteful but a calf can put
on over 80 kilos a day!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Whale watching is a relatively new
phenomenon but I can understand why it has become so popular. These are not
trained animals, or circus acts this is just how they are. The boat captain
cuts the motors and you slip quietly beside them. The whales will either
totally ignore you or they will decide to interact with you. Either way seems
fine somehow. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">New Zealand and Australia banned whaling in
the early sixties. What took them so long! But that being said the whales in
our waters are making a comeback. Numbers have gone from the hundreds to the
thousands and long may their revival continue. So if you think whale watching
might be an experience worth having, go for it! In my humble opinion you will not be
disappointed.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEe0_28wujuDkWgpxNoCJg5m5QQABxQD6y67r1547sCzT2F_LbIwf6_uBCXYbvEtJCKoT71dGq5oDHGsb0tNNa2_99WPZxAWXXjI6MvEHYddmT_e2L4bvdYSobviP5_gaohfi64db-pmQ/s1600/DSCN0424.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEe0_28wujuDkWgpxNoCJg5m5QQABxQD6y67r1547sCzT2F_LbIwf6_uBCXYbvEtJCKoT71dGq5oDHGsb0tNNa2_99WPZxAWXXjI6MvEHYddmT_e2L4bvdYSobviP5_gaohfi64db-pmQ/s320/DSCN0424.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsQd-Vr2T8U63tpD1-5XIeH_CERfdrVQMXap2dQDvSMCuiJDYe5TyzISINBzsiVw7teqzFZN0lPjFXNyYx2kXj7MTCGnzjJ85wEF2gden5MCPa_avOsMV_lgDKh3__DxPhezDgfgexsiI/s1600/DSCN0431.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsQd-Vr2T8U63tpD1-5XIeH_CERfdrVQMXap2dQDvSMCuiJDYe5TyzISINBzsiVw7teqzFZN0lPjFXNyYx2kXj7MTCGnzjJ85wEF2gden5MCPa_avOsMV_lgDKh3__DxPhezDgfgexsiI/s320/DSCN0431.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRmcVv_d0sxPGtnkPnBJNIePhxrYPiErxB7M1CfCxG-m2f0PzTo_HcOfdHqRptomTF1VqF3ILa4qNhwdIUi0eIW2iZD_84TPSU1kaatyYdsju9etupMMTmGzIxDCbOiQkrO68zNyPws9U/s1600/DSCN0445.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRmcVv_d0sxPGtnkPnBJNIePhxrYPiErxB7M1CfCxG-m2f0PzTo_HcOfdHqRptomTF1VqF3ILa4qNhwdIUi0eIW2iZD_84TPSU1kaatyYdsju9etupMMTmGzIxDCbOiQkrO68zNyPws9U/s320/DSCN0445.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholDl_mwty1ToCTyMDdqI1jWOQs2-KU4BRjdpbcBoxo5inYC-VMDKM_DR0AwS7GP4dM4NV7tnnrX5IffpImeWfpaQdAUhm_N9eDBg6dG2_6lRweC1YuyRXL_io32BXQzreZ2V1Md6uuEI/s1600/DSCN0450.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEholDl_mwty1ToCTyMDdqI1jWOQs2-KU4BRjdpbcBoxo5inYC-VMDKM_DR0AwS7GP4dM4NV7tnnrX5IffpImeWfpaQdAUhm_N9eDBg6dG2_6lRweC1YuyRXL_io32BXQzreZ2V1Md6uuEI/s320/DSCN0450.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The next day it was time for some
off-roading aussie style. Fraser Island is the world’s biggest sand dune island,
123 kilometers long and over 22 kilometers wide at its widest point. Covered in
bush and tropical rain forest it was once a major logging site. Now it is a
world heritage park and the bush has reverted back to its original state. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">This trip is a true off road adventure.
Nothing but a four wheel drive will cope with the rugged terrain and the deep
rutted sandy tracks. You have seat belts in the bus and you need them on. Many
times the driver shifted into the low box and with the engine screaming we
crawled our way upward, branches and ferns scrapping the windows on both sides.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">I swam in Lake McKenzie high in the sand
dunes that is feed purely by rainwater. The water is crystal clear and covers
about 130 hectares. It is surrounded by fine white silica sand. It was a
highlight of the trip and if you go there take a swim; the water will get your
heart pumping!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Back in the 4x4 bus and we ground our way
back down the lower slopes to the rain forest. What is truly remarkable is that the trees and
the vegetation look so healthy and yet the whole island consists of just white
sand.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After a bush walk we were herded back into
the bus and we headed for lunch at a local resort. A quick lunch and we were
off again down the beach. A wild dingo was digging up the remains of a
fisherman’s catch and took no notice of the bus. Then it was off down the beach
at what seemed to be about a 100 km an hour to an old shipwreck that washed
ashore in 1937. You can’t swim at the beach because of the tiger sharks which
patrol just out from the surf line. It seems a shame as the shoreline is
nothing but miles of white sand and the water is crystal clear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Six of us volunteered to go for a quick
flight over the island on a 7 seat single engine aircraft that operated off
the beach. We were told it was a 15 minute scenic flight over the coast to
observe the whales and then a flight over the island.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">The seven seat was more of a five seat with two extra
seats thrown in where the passengers legs should have been. I couldn't get the
seat belt on and had to swap seats which involved some laughter due to the lack
of room to maneuver. After breaking my sunglasses I managed to get the seat
belt on but my legs needed to be in the isle for this to happen. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">After the pilot was convinced none of the
4x4’s on the beach were headed our way, he gunned the engine and we were
airborne in seconds and banking towards the ocean.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Look two whales!” His voice crackled over
the intercom and he did a hard left turn so we could all get a view of a mother
and calf and our recently consumed lunch which was trying to come up from our
stomachs. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Look dolphin’s, a whole pod!”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Another quick bank and a shallow dive and
we had two seconds to take pictures.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">“Now for the island tour!” and we banked
steeply then climbed through some turbulence for another turning and diving
tour of the lakes, sand dunes and forest. Another quick turn and we dived down
landing on the beach a few seconds later. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">That was quickest 15 minutes of my life!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Later that afternoon we slogged back
through the sand tracks to the ferry. If you have a bad back I suggest you miss
this tour but if you like some adventure in your day then the tour will
reinvigorate your adrenaline glands.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiswXwm3HfGmT6d0t4KYbB7W-c6QLTbJP-oYbBCR2ScOvu-FaYf1qFLoc5msuDhJY7W6Z5o7cMIY5WN_IuJ1u5g9SKApVxRKjyIjnQyTEOudxfWFy3JCa5BNbb5R5SdMGR8U6ym7ThtXw4/s1600/DSCN0537.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiswXwm3HfGmT6d0t4KYbB7W-c6QLTbJP-oYbBCR2ScOvu-FaYf1qFLoc5msuDhJY7W6Z5o7cMIY5WN_IuJ1u5g9SKApVxRKjyIjnQyTEOudxfWFy3JCa5BNbb5R5SdMGR8U6ym7ThtXw4/s320/DSCN0537.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK6nAfH6Y8E_Il1aOf6Jy-7_KRfa8IXpeKGIgD8rVei34DYVTAI6-zmcO7z8_UwtP9WyICI5rPH7OgT4F_Bg42pGznu7C665hyphenhyphenqGuOF3QDDyRfghVgqaJGOU1rCm61yB6WQ8viIalF4No/s1600/DSCN0530.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhK6nAfH6Y8E_Il1aOf6Jy-7_KRfa8IXpeKGIgD8rVei34DYVTAI6-zmcO7z8_UwtP9WyICI5rPH7OgT4F_Bg42pGznu7C665hyphenhyphenqGuOF3QDDyRfghVgqaJGOU1rCm61yB6WQ8viIalF4No/s320/DSCN0530.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6RqX1NWN6hh8kDfUhIOsBcw9K2CiSydnPT1gtVDKGTy_9r7bxll4SHRkaaFw-99GAZy5sVIawyK3zi9WrL1RjQLVV8lg27eXTEDEkWsC8vo9QihsLbF2zT2iFd41sjHsPdS2U4CBu0q4/s1600/DSCN0554.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6RqX1NWN6hh8kDfUhIOsBcw9K2CiSydnPT1gtVDKGTy_9r7bxll4SHRkaaFw-99GAZy5sVIawyK3zi9WrL1RjQLVV8lg27eXTEDEkWsC8vo9QihsLbF2zT2iFd41sjHsPdS2U4CBu0q4/s320/DSCN0554.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm_CExAryzh1DAGbxB-6W5IzYhtRnT1knkPDAz97FMk1DVyOFOJsOfeauP-HFYpiZJc2s8o6Cb743AbsHSNODCjhAsqytR0N8hXZ2VpxjJM4JR70130z9JCaY-0biw_x78n1-N8dRhLS0/s1600/DSCN0580.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgm_CExAryzh1DAGbxB-6W5IzYhtRnT1knkPDAz97FMk1DVyOFOJsOfeauP-HFYpiZJc2s8o6Cb743AbsHSNODCjhAsqytR0N8hXZ2VpxjJM4JR70130z9JCaY-0biw_x78n1-N8dRhLS0/s320/DSCN0580.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lrL-T_AyyBuWQ0g8KpMEkHP-atk9lD9k58ak6JfSxlvqG7pm0-ximhraQrxIQBrkpTnj-8yonJ3aMruc3DWlMYb1ojm-m_grrC4lsym4A7wPx3hhjQSLgLQ3rHXrxhdf4jCphDcgk9M/s1600/DSCN0587.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1lrL-T_AyyBuWQ0g8KpMEkHP-atk9lD9k58ak6JfSxlvqG7pm0-ximhraQrxIQBrkpTnj-8yonJ3aMruc3DWlMYb1ojm-m_grrC4lsym4A7wPx3hhjQSLgLQ3rHXrxhdf4jCphDcgk9M/s320/DSCN0587.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUoyBDcnmwhFaEpjgJVSiHT8d9r1G1cRloLexIty25ERymm6kUM6sjalx5XQb3Ck-LXAE869IzU_Jws6t-BRxh3Q9IRh15b8XAKiRQ8esqSyGZDpk1WsocqqvSTj-dIQ2Co9EiqKqiYDI/s1600/DSCN0585.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUoyBDcnmwhFaEpjgJVSiHT8d9r1G1cRloLexIty25ERymm6kUM6sjalx5XQb3Ck-LXAE869IzU_Jws6t-BRxh3Q9IRh15b8XAKiRQ8esqSyGZDpk1WsocqqvSTj-dIQ2Co9EiqKqiYDI/s320/DSCN0585.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-US">Well that’s all for now, next stop Airlie
beach and the Whitsunday Islands.<a href="" name="_GoBack"></a></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-39971436693150365342013-08-20T03:46:00.001-07:002013-08-20T03:46:08.207-07:00Cairns or bust.<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: left;">Every journey needs planning and our holiday is no exception. when it comes to logistics I am afraid I am rather hopeless. I have a weakness in my left leg because of an old motor accident and I decided to buy one of those walking sticks that mountaineers use. They aren't cheap but as we planned to do lots of walking, it would come in very handy. It turns out, the walking stick wasn't that essential because I forgot to pack it and we flew out without it. Thank goodness my wife did most of the packing as the only thing I had to pack, I forgot. Apart from me dropping my mobile phone and having it splatter on the tiles at the airport restaurant and temporarily misplace my wallet at customs, the flight went smoothly. Seeing the sun come up at 36,000 feet was a glorious sight. The breakfast on the flight was very tasty but designed to appease the belly of a very small marsupial. Is it is me or are aircraft seats shrinking? I am 6ft 2in and 110 kg so my backside felt like it was sliding into a pair of shoes one size to small and the leg room wasn't all that flash either. Size and height discrimination by the airlines maybe?</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<span style="text-align: left;">After four days on the Gold Coast where we enjoyed some family time and a fun visit to Sea World, we left on our road trip to Cairns - a sign just out of Brisbane said "Cairns 1685 km" which looked pretty daunting. Our first leg was to Australia Zoo, the journey was uneventful apart from the ever changing speed limits. How would you like to go from 60 km to 70 to 80 to 90 to 100 and then to 110 km and not necessarily in that order and all within a few miles. I was wearing my finger out on the cruise control! I passed the most unusual load I have ever seen - a full sized diesel train engine on a huge truck and trailer unit and I had to go over 110 km to pass it. It took us about an hour to get to Australia Zoo.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZboFq9_aw9RU3FpWvTU5EVYtx8101MQ4TZH7ce1BdTG15P-mj64gG8JoD9k_AXpxrYbGk4RnUbe5OWcq6Hqw9z6OITjLO1W6yKxuSP34AAWNKUrTRDiRFQQUHSRPP5WnAQfs5TV7Nds/s1600/Australia+2013+329.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPZboFq9_aw9RU3FpWvTU5EVYtx8101MQ4TZH7ce1BdTG15P-mj64gG8JoD9k_AXpxrYbGk4RnUbe5OWcq6Hqw9z6OITjLO1W6yKxuSP34AAWNKUrTRDiRFQQUHSRPP5WnAQfs5TV7Nds/s320/Australia+2013+329.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div>
Our first stop was to meet a Burmese python. In case you didn't know snakes are warm and smooth to the touch. This one kept moving its head around until it was comfortable then lay perfectly still. This one weighed seventeen kilos and was nearly nine feet long, so Jackie had the heavy part around her shoulders and I managed its head.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If you are ever planning to visit this zoo be prepared for lots of walking. It covers 100 acres and you can see animals from Australia, Asia and Africa. Definitely the most well kept zoo we have seen with lots of animals to see. The Africa part was amazing.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5f0j6GkrciFcO32DsW-JgWWYTCziQvtL5VYleNDjtkfOORdTvSBjV88jYG8rhSFpzNgLQu500rUyuzXFVmPlctOMZuVrNcFPywGllIdX1FkPQ3loCWR3sx7fXwzpYUSSoQJsOm8rGJM/s1600/Australia+2013+313.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw5f0j6GkrciFcO32DsW-JgWWYTCziQvtL5VYleNDjtkfOORdTvSBjV88jYG8rhSFpzNgLQu500rUyuzXFVmPlctOMZuVrNcFPywGllIdX1FkPQ3loCWR3sx7fXwzpYUSSoQJsOm8rGJM/s320/Australia+2013+313.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp-GwExJTkFwAjeBgLtAw5Ll7yGoAvJYJwmag2zWrYaTQt4F2kju3FM8RSiTrihrXF5KQw8urf75jd0oFCuuSN9RAR5_TukeA2MMs8pL8xkGBDNktBMROw5cKwujOeN9sUsByuOoWVU2I/s1600/Australia+2013+315.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp-GwExJTkFwAjeBgLtAw5Ll7yGoAvJYJwmag2zWrYaTQt4F2kju3FM8RSiTrihrXF5KQw8urf75jd0oFCuuSN9RAR5_TukeA2MMs8pL8xkGBDNktBMROw5cKwujOeN9sUsByuOoWVU2I/s320/Australia+2013+315.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
We arrived in Maroochydore (Are there some crazy names in this country or what?) very late and the only accommodation we could find resembles a large concrete prison cell but we are too tired to care. Tomorrow we head for Hervey Bay and some whale watching. Watch this space for more updates.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-3704852042850492152013-05-28T20:27:00.000-07:002013-05-28T20:27:23.906-07:00Writing a comedy – How I Did It<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Writing a comedy – How I Did It<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My publisher and co-author Christine and I were having a
coffee about 18 months ago and she commented on the huge amount of paranormal
books being published. We thought a short story parody about a really
ridiculous were-creature might be fun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A white fluffy miniature poodle is attacked and infected
with the werewolf virus. Before the virus has fully taken hold the poodle bites
young Jake Fangle and he becomes infected with a poodle were-virus. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jake is a
home schooled, virginal mummy’s boy; not very big, not all that bright, and
certainly not brave or strong. Throughout the book he is trying desperately to
change his virgin status to that of experienced lover. Fortunately his dog
senses give him the edge over the rest of us mortals. Life becomes more fraught
for Jake when Razor the resident werewolf discovers that Jake is a werewolf and
is seeking to tear the man-poodle dog to shreds. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First problem was what tense to write in. Given Jake’s character
I couldn't see any way around it. The story needed to be written in first
person. Something I hadn't done before.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The second problem was how to make Jake Fangle funny. He
must have a distinct voice: this is his story and told entirely (almost - the
werewolf does get a couple of chapters) as he saw the world. I decided Jake
would have the same problem as former President Bush who had a particularly
funny way of butchering the English language. I have to admit that in real life
I have problems with malapropisms, just like Jake. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This story was meant to be a novella but slowly took on a
life of its own. I had to analyze how someone with dog like thoughts would
handle things in day to day life. As I couldn't interview my own Labrador, I
tried to look at life from a dog’s perspective. Six months later the short
story had become a short novel and it still wasn't close to being finished. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have watched many stand-up comics on both TV and YouTube
and they either have their short routine for comedy festivals or longer routines
for one man shows. They have to be constantly funny or at least highly amusing
for anything from ten minutes to over an hour with several moments of real good
belly laughs. The best comics tell short stories or anecdotes with a great
punch line at the end with lots of laughs on the way. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So I tried to write each chapter as a scene. The whole story
line is enclosed within one lunar month. I did make the werewolf the straight
man - he is evil and scary.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have tried to work at keeping the reader smiling between
laughs for most of the whole book! <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My advice is to anyone writing comedy for the first time,
expect hard work! Strangely I found the whole process enjoyable and compelling.
Full of laughter and I had no mercy – anyone who got in our faces was parodied
in the novel. Movies, politicians, professions, actors and neighbours – no one
has been ignored.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As with all my fiction writing I have no idea what will
happen until it does. With each new scene, a movie begins to play in my head
and I write what I see. On a good day even the words are provided. Sounds like
cheating doesn't it? But I don’t know how else to write.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
THE WEREWOLF AND THE WO-OODLE is now a full length novel of
94000 words and is in the final editing stages. The cover is being designed and
the beta readers will be turned loose on it in the next week or two. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The proof of the pudding of course will be in what the beta
readers think. Nervous times ahead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AJ BURTON</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-16432430550470956222012-10-23T18:48:00.003-07:002012-10-23T18:48:55.044-07:00The BRIDGE - A Spartan Warrior redeems himself<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="bucket" id="ps-content" style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; padding: 5px 0em; text-align: start;">
<div class="content" style="margin: 0.5em 0px 0em 25px;">
<div id="outer_postBodyPS" style="height: auto; overflow: hidden; z-index: 1;">
<div id="postBodyPS">
The tale of a disgraced Spartan warrior hero and his redemption.<br />Set in ancient Greece a warrior is banished from Sparta, this short story details his journey to a new life with new values.</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
<a href="" id="productDetails" name="productDetails" style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;"></a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small; text-align: start;"></span><hr class="bucketDivider" noshade="noshade" size="1" style="background-color: white; border-style: dashed none none; border-top-color: rgb(153, 153, 153); clear: left; color: white; font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; height: 1px; margin: 3px 0px; text-align: start;" />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQr3r2RvnQcNid7JOWanMtnkiIaYa9tC5COIc7bzgKBvv-NlAyXRSVUvofb7UELrgLa-mDhFsnTDrtBS4rK8dy2uJNSnnjrdSlNbtqKorXd6kFINrK9zlsniqUXwwkLO-BjNaSmZyiLGI/s400/TheBridge_FRONT-color.jpg" width="272" /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B009TRVUWM" target="_blank">Buy on Amazon Here</a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
For the reader in you.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why did I write The Bridge? Short stories are hard for me to
write. Usually whenever I try to write a short story the damn things take on a
life of their own and end up far too long.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I write I simply start with a concept or idea. For
example The Bridge started out with a question. How would an act of cowardice
in another age be viewed by our modern society?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I sat down thought of
a time in history and began to write. The story, like nearly all my writing,
played like a movie in my head and I wrote it down as I watched it.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of course it has been edited by myself, my wife and
Christine my publisher but essentially the story is as written. This how I
write, even for full length novels. I have no plans, almost no structure, and
only stop when I need to Google something.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This short story was written in an afternoon and one evening
session. I have written more and would be interested to know if you would like
to see this short story evolve into a full length novel.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have only a short high school education and I am an
atrocious speller at times. From telling completely made-up stories to my
children at bedtimes, some which went on for many nights; I am always amazed
how my writing tells itself and I just seem to be the stenographer. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Are other writers the same? </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you would like to comment regarding reading more about my
Spartan warrior or about how you write, please use the comments box below.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-71528445014703501332012-07-28T21:03:00.001-07:002012-07-28T21:03:55.235-07:00New Cover & Title Seeking Angel - Do you like it?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQ4vLnePumpDoPN2ZEneGaGhSbNElTliH0MbE0FAemCTqf8I-COx2go4680WeT3l38yrRY-tt0eFY7Oit_zhiyhnhXaiKoUMHJEsCHOvyJo61_cGw5sdBPUH5gCJ_GpVc3Z2M4BxumVFd/s1600/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBQ4vLnePumpDoPN2ZEneGaGhSbNElTliH0MbE0FAemCTqf8I-COx2go4680WeT3l38yrRY-tt0eFY7Oit_zhiyhnhXaiKoUMHJEsCHOvyJo61_cGw5sdBPUH5gCJ_GpVc3Z2M4BxumVFd/s320/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZYxX_83eot9Ev5IvirK7tzrxvSqZaE2-9vC51qlQ92Q_nZx8YLtoTgPm2r183VjmoNNi_mcew_ram_XOTr2yNy6Bw5-6m-iQaAm6bZpZfi0Jb1CYp_vQl6pAkSM9VOBuzxCDV6L1C2B3D/s1600/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover-back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZYxX_83eot9Ev5IvirK7tzrxvSqZaE2-9vC51qlQ92Q_nZx8YLtoTgPm2r183VjmoNNi_mcew_ram_XOTr2yNy6Bw5-6m-iQaAm6bZpZfi0Jb1CYp_vQl6pAkSM9VOBuzxCDV6L1C2B3D/s320/FINAL_SeekingAngel_cover-back.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
</div>
<ul>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt;">Detective Bull Protettore seeks Angel, missing; believed to be in the company of a secretive bi-sexual Dominatrix.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Discover how she is the clue which leads Bull and his partner Tommy to the serial killer who is terrorizing NYC.</span></li>
<li><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 12pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">Bull and Tommy are in a race against time to unravel the twisted ropes of the truth to exact justice and revenge.</span></li>
</ul>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">'I truly enjoyed reading this book mainly because the characters weren't perfect. They all had their own little quirks and issues that made them seem so real. It actually felt like they could walk off the page and shake your hand.</span> I would definitely recommend this book to my friends.' Amazon 5* Review</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">'I started to read, figuring that I'd read for about half an hour and found that I couldn't put this book down. The words come alive on the page.' Amazon 5* Review</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">'This was a great read! It proceeded at a good clip, had a twisty plot and an interesting cast of characters.</span>'<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Amazon 5* Review</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Hello everyone, above the new blurb and Front and Back covers for Seeking Angel, formerly entitled Demon's Coven. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Thank you so much to everyone who gave feedback on the former cover, we have listened to you and this is the result.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; font-size: 12.666666984558105px; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 18px;">Thanks also to Nils Danemann, our new cover designer - who has made us this awesome new cover - featuring Angel, the Spike and the background mysterious and interesting.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="color: #222222; text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Read Seeking Angel and you will enjoy a well paced read, a devious plot with lots of characters all woven together in a masterful way. Best of all your heart will be pounding and your mouth laughing at some of the antics that A J's characters get up to. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: -webkit-auto;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Excellent summer reading for your e reader on the beach - and a winter awaken-er for the southern hemisphere. </span></span></span></div>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-29802517439854757252012-03-25T22:12:00.000-07:002012-07-28T22:33:17.042-07:00Seeking Angel Synopsis<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
You like to hold a real paper book in your hand - don't you?<br />
Seeking Angel is now launched as a print book on Create Space.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;"><br /></span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: #cc0000;"> </span></b>: The setting is New York City. Horrific murders are being perpetrated. A group of dominatrix and their BDSM scene are under suspicion. This thriller – mystery filled with unexpected comedy follows two broken–ass detectives. Bull is bent on avenging his lost love. Tommy is fighting his hatred of human beings. they join forces to track down a vicious killer who seemed to possess superhuman abilities.<br />
<br />
From one 5* Amazon review-<br />
<span style="color: #660000;">"Seeking Angel grabs you and doesn't let go! I started to read, figuring that I'd read for about a half hour and found that I could put this book down. The words come alive on the page. The detailed information regarding the alternative BDSM lifestyle was amazing. The characters were real. There was nothing that I read that I judged to be contrived or written for shock value alone. I wanted more with each passing page. This author understands police procedure, the BDSM lifestyle and has a knack as a storyteller: something that I find lacking in many authors."</span><br />
<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-61825719745645877162012-03-18T00:16:00.002-07:002012-07-28T23:53:34.251-07:00“It’s beginning,” the slave answered. “I have the first one.”<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-size: 11pt;"><span style="color: #351c75; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>Chapter Two Seeking Angel by A J Burton</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Simone fumbled through her purse searching for cigarettes.
She would have preferred a joint, but she knew it was best to keep her wits
about her when working. In a couple of hours the joint at the bottom of her bag
would help her relax, but only after the last customer was off the streets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Stained fingers found cigarettes and lighter among the
contents of her purse. A yellow flame flared. Her lungs drew in the smoke;
Simone felt the nicotine enter her blood stream helping her focus.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">It had been a slow night. Only two clients, both cheapskates
wanting hand relief, which had made her total take for the evening a
disappointing sixty dollars. She often wondered why these sorts of clients even
bothered. Why they simply didn’t do themselves and save their money was beyond
her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">I’m twenty five; she thought sadly, five years on the street
seemed like a decade. She could see no end to it since she had no more cash now
than when she had started. Simone was like many girls who worked the area.
She’d become lazy, slovenly - a drug addict, who slipped easily into a seedy
lifestyle as a working girl. She pulled her tight purple tank top down over her
large breasts: her man magnets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Under her long black wig, her own hair was cropped short.
The wig was her disguise. However flimsy, it gave her the confidence to walk the
same neighbourhood during the day hopefully unrecognized by former clients. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">She usually stood by the alleyway between two businesses, a
dry-cleaners and a television repair store, both of which had closed for the
day. Street lighting was adequate to show prospective clients what was on
offer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">The wind was cold and she cursed herself for not wearing
something warmer. This small patch of the neighbourhood was now hers and hers
alone. C’mon, c’mon, anyone, fat, bald, old or young, she thought. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Sometimes she did her business in the alleyway. Mostly she
went in the client’s cars. She wouldn’t get into any car until she’d been paid
and checked the client visually for any signs of aggression. Heavily
intoxicated or drugged-up clients she told directly to go elsewhere, though her
so-called rules literally went out the window if the client managed to produce
good old American green backs in sufficient quantity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Simone finished the cigarette and flicked the glowing stub
into the street. She didn’t notice a black van parked a hundred yards down the
road, its lights out. The van stayed there for a few minutes. It was very late,
two a.m. if she had bothered to check her wristwatch. Plastic bags, blown by
the wind floated across and down the deserted street.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;"> The van’s motor
coughed into life, its V8 motor was barely audible, due to the double mufflers
specially installed by its owner. It cruised quietly to a stop opposite Simone,
the motor quietly idling. Thrusting out her breasts, she tried to peer into the
blacked out windows of the cab, not seeing a black figure slide out from the
rear of the van. Simone tapped on the passenger window.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“I can’t see in, baby! Roll down the window so you can see
what I’ve got.” She jiggled her breasts from side to side even rubbed them on
the glass. “C’mon baby, you know you want me.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">From behind, a leather-encased arm completely encircled her
neck, pulling her backwards. Simone tried to lash out, scream. Her efforts were
choked off as strong muscles squeezed. The inside of the forearm exerted
pressure on the main artery on the side of her neck, shutting off the blood
supply to the brain. The pain was incredible. Simone struggled violently as the
pounding in her brain grew into hot stabbing needles. The attacker squatted,
turned his hip into the small of her back lifting her off the ground. Twisting
and writhing, Simone’s own weight began to choke her. Finally her struggles
weakened and she blacked out as she was carried backwards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Tossed into the back of the van her limp body landed heavily
onto a vinyl mattress. Simone began to come around but was dazed and confused.
She did not have the strength to fight back as a ball gag was forced into her
mouth. Then she felt herself flipped onto her stomach, her hands forced behind
her and strapped with plastic ties. Both ankles were tied in a similar fashion.
Within seconds, Simone was completely helpless, neither able to cry out nor
move. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">As the blood once again began to flow she quickly regained
full consciousness but was so terrified she failed to struggle at all. Her
attacker produced a large body bag and began slipping her into it. Simone’s
fear turned into abject horror. Now instinct took over and she began to thrash
about violently. Got to get out, oh my God! Someone please <i>help</i> me! But this screaming was done in silence, despairing,
pathetic and all to no avail. The gag did its work; the plastic ties rendered
her struggles ineffectual.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">She watched helplessly as the darkness closed in with an
ominous zipping sound. Imprinted in her memory was the face of the
leather-hooded man, then the darkness became total, the smell of vinyl filling
her nostrils. Lying in the back of the van she fainted as paralyzing terror
overwhelmed her. She never felt the van move off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">As the van drove past the next intersection, a motorcycle
pulled out and followed it at a discreet distance. The van drove a few miles
before stopping. The slave removed his gloves. He reached over, opened the
glove compartment, and took out a cell phone. Dialling a memorized number, he waited
patiently while the phone rang at the other end. A female voice answered. Her
voice was a soft whisper, as if she had just awoken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Yes?” said the voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“It’s beginning,” the slave answered. “I have the first
one.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">There was a short pause. The slave could hear the sharp
intake of breath as she absorbed the implications of this news. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Let the terror begin. It is your time now.” she said, “You
have been extremely patient. What you are about to do will bring you honour at
the gathering when we have finished our mission. I will meet you at the
temple.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;"> “In death we guide
the souls we take.” The soft voice spoke the first line of a mantra they had
both learned long ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Yes mistress,” he replied. “Our sacrifice your thirst will
slake.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">The phone went dead and the van started up again and drove
off into the night trailed at a discreet distance by the motorcyclist.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif;"><span style="font-size: 15px;">Buy Seeking Angel now</span></span></div>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-82227874479471681072012-01-06T00:06:00.000-08:002012-07-28T23:58:24.871-07:00New York’s Finest the Global Warming debate<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
Tommy was killing time until
his shift ended, typing with an enthusiasm that bordered on dereliction of duty
and at the speed of someone with chronic arthritis. Every few seconds he
glanced at his wristwatch in the forlorn hope that time would somehow speed
leap the mechanism so he could leave.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
The sound of the squad room
door opening and shutting broke the tedium as his partner Detective Bull
Protettore, walked in. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“What’s happening Bull?” said
Tommy his fingers leaving the keyboard like it was infected with the plague.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Nothing much, same ole, same
ole, did you get the note about conserving paper from the captain?”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Yep! I would have wiped my ass with it and saved
some bog paper if it wasn’t such poor quality. I have had it with this we gotta
go green shit!" said Tommy spinning
around in his office chair. "Man made global warming is the biggest load
of crap since the Y2K bug, bird flu, mad cow disease, and I never had sex with
that woman. Not to mention a hundred other things the fuckwit scientists have claimed
they have <i>almost</i> discovered, so they
can suck on the titty of UN Funding for a few more years!”.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Well the world’s climate
seems to be changing according to the news reports,” said Bull sitting down and
logging onto his computer. “According to scientific reports, winters are going
to get warmer and summers hotter, with more droughts.”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Yeah like the incredible
fucking heat wave of December, January of 2010. I got a hernia and a slipped
disk from shoveling all that fucking sunshine off my car for two months. Didn’t
some over paid, dipshit of a scientist tell us snow will become something our
children won’t remember?”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“According to 97% of the
world’s climate scientists the world is warming and man is causing it. After
all they are experts in the field. Those are high numbers Tommy”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Well whoopee shit, Bull! 100%
of Christian priests think Jesus is the son of God, and 100% of Muslims believe
Muhammad is a prophet of God. Those are even better numbers. But one or both
must be wrong. How many priests would still have a job if they went around
saying God isn’t true and Jesus was just a misunderstood carpenter?" Tommy
drew breath before continuing his tirade. "Hey Bull you ever see a list of
names of those 97% of climate scientists? Does a list of 'em even exist? I mean
those hysterical bed wetter’s wouldn’t have a job if they didn’t at least
pretend their theories were even close to the truth.” Tommy threw up his hands.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Your fucked up logic has a
curious way of screwing up my arguments,” said Bull scratching his head.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“I tell you Bull their
predictions are just that: guess work, forecasts, speculation and what ifs!
Look how those greenie, tree hugging, sandal wearing, dope smoking pricks
convinced governments to build those useless wind powered generators. They are
either shutting them down because there is <i>no</i>
wind, or because there is <i>too much</i>
wind. When they <i>are </i>spinning, they
are mowing down the birdlife like fucking gigantic Gatling guns. Now we have those
Chevy volts; how un-American are those retarded pieces of worthless crap. You would
be better off driving to work on a ride on lawn tractor and at 90% less cost."
Tommy pounded his hapless keyboard. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“So I guess you don’t believe
in manmade global warming then?” said Bull sarcastically. “Do you want a beer?
It’s nearly time to quit.” </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Beer, now there is a subject
worth spending research money on! Hey doesn’t beer have CO2 in it?” Tommy stood
and reached for his jacket.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Yeah I guess so,” said Bull
also standing, logging his machine off.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
“Well saw my legs off and call
me stumpy. Let’s go save the planet one bottle at a time.”</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
</div>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-45533995365129543022012-01-03T13:18:00.000-08:002012-07-29T00:02:26.537-07:00The New Year for Bull Protettore - Drunk and disorderly<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000; font-size: large;"><b><br /></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-size: large; line-height: 21px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-size: large;"><b>Bull Protettore is the hero of Seeking Angel by A J Burton which has seven 5 star reviews at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005PG5RS4" target="_blank">Amazon.com</a></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: #990000; font-size: large;"><b>This is one of A J Burton's memories - the policeman's perspective.</b></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;"><u>New Year's Eve changed for me after I became a policeman. </u><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">As a young guy I did all the things you do in the wildness of youth: drank too much, smoked too much, fell over and woke up saying. "What a night! If only I could remember what happened? Sure by asking friends I could build up a foggy account of what may have happened but was it fact or fiction? I couldn't say.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">For ten years as a policeman I could expect any New Years Eve leave to be cancelled. Single policemen were sent to the traditionally wild holiday resorts while we married men filled the breaches at home. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">I often saw funny things and laughed watching drunks making total asses of themselves and recalling my own mis-spent youth. However holidays were also times when people died and were maimed in car accidents, fights, and drunken domestic squabbles. For ten years as a police officer I was totally sober and working hard. I never got to celebrate the New Year coming in.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">I remember the drunkest man I ever saw still standing one New Year's Eve. The sergeant ordered me to carry out a sobriety test as Mr Jones was drunk in charge of a motor vehicle. I did my best to test the fellow, I made him try to walk a straight line in the constable's room at the police station. I should have used another room as the man lurched to one side and his head crashed into one of the square cubbyholes where we kept our files. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">How his head managed to enter this cubbyhole with the accuracy of a sniper's bullet was amazing. What was even more astounding was that once his head was in the cubbyhole I could not get it out, despite pulling on his shoulders.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">The drunk screamed out. "I have gone blind, help me!" <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">The sergeant came in to check all was well and saw Mr Jones bent at the hips with his head in the cubbyhole. Standing behind him pulling on his body I appeared to be performing some sort of unnatural act upon him.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">"I can't get him out." I explained. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">Together we managed to drag his head out at great cost to Mr Jones. The sergeant maintained his head had fitted into the cubbyhole so it should be safe to yank it out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">My drunk fellow then proceeded to vomit on the floor, slipped in it and fell face first into the mess. Now if I had written a comedy script about the incident it could not have been funnier and Mr Jones provided my New Year's Eve comedy for free.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">After those years on the police I seemed to lose the zest for celebrating New Years Eve somehow. Was it because I became a cynic and regarded the whole celebration as a pain in the ass? Probably.</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">This year for the first time in many years, all my four sons are in the country at the same time and this will be the happiest New Year's Eve of all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">Birthdays, Christmas, New Years Eve are they worth more than daily celebrating the biggest gift of all? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="color: #222222; font-size: 12pt;">To me the simple daily act of living life is truly the greatest celebration of all!</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<br />
Bull Protettore is the hero of Seeking Angel which has seven 5 star reviews at <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005PG5RS4" target="_blank">Amazon.com</a> <br />
<br />
<br /></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com52tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-49569000897635978252011-12-17T14:29:00.000-08:002012-07-29T00:00:50.820-07:00The Detectives Bull and Tommy work on a Sunday<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Sample Sunday from Seeking Angel by A J Burton - Chapter 3.<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Detective Angelo Protettore known to all his colleagues as Bull, sipped his coffee from a paper cup. He was careful not to crush it while his partner of a few weeks, Detective Thomas Delaney, careened around the precinct in their squad car. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Bull’s partner sat bolt upright in the driver’s seat, his large hands gripping the wheel like he wanted to strangle it. Tommy was having his usual daily dose of road rage. It was almost comical to watch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Tommy hit the horn, venting his spleen at no one in particular. “Jeez! Who said New York taxi drivers are the worst in world? It’s the rest of the road-hogging morons that get my goat!” said Tommy. “You got that coffee under control, Bull? That little cup looks pretty fragile in your big mitts.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Well, it might help if you relaxed a little bit, you dumb Irish prick.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“I can’t. Why are we still doing this shit?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Bull squeezed his cup as they tail-spun round a corner. “Because this is New York, buddy. It’s broke, just like you and me. We are on missing persons detail because we are the unclean and unwanted from the precinct. But at least we’re employed.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Ok, I get the hint.” Tommy relaxed his death grip on the steering wheel. “Don’t go thinking I am going soft but when you’re right, you’re right. You know the Captain wants us to fail. I know I am an embarrassment to the department.” He broke into a fair imitation of the precinct head. “You’re a cynical, violent, foul-mouthed man with an attitude problem whereas your new partner is just plain violent. It’s only a matter of time before either one or both of you screw ups gets himself so deep in the shit even the blessed saint of assholes won’t be able to help.” said Tommy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Yeah, the Captain’s a peach, isn’t he? Still, he’s got a point; we just gotta stick together and back each other up. I - Look out!” shouted Bull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Son of a bitch!” yelled Tommy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Rubber squealed and smoked as the heavy squad car pulled to a shuddering stop, slamming both men into their seatbelts and sluicing Bull’s coffee onto his crotch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Jeez, Tommy!” Bull found himself talking to thin air. His partner had already leapt from the vehicle. Tommy yanked open the driver’s door of a stationary Volvo in front of them. What followed was a tirade of some of the worst language Bull had ever heard. Tommy, in the process of checking the man’s driver’s license, managed to insult his heritage, ancestry, driving skills and his chances of surviving the week. Then as quickly as his temper flared, Tommy seemed to lose interest, as all the driver’s documents seemed to be in order.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Okay, have a nice day, you moron.” Tommy strode back to the vehicle before mashing himself into the driver’s seat slamming the door so hard the whole car shuddered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“You feel better now?” Bull said. “You owe me another coffee. Plus, we gotta go back to my place. I need to change my pants and check for third degree burns on me balls.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Tommy sighed. “Sorry. Okay, we’ll get some clean threads for you, and then I’ll spot us a meal. Screw what’s her name; she’s only been missing a couple of weeks. <i>And</i> she’s probably shacked up with some dope smoking prick anyway.” said Tommy, putting the car into drive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">“Right, only I don’t think the Captain would be particularly pleased with that attitude. Shit, forget my pants they’ll dry on the way over. Turn the heater on.” said Bull.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Bell MT', serif; font-size: 11pt;">Tommy did an illegal U-turn and sped away. “I hate it when you’re right, I wasn’t hungry anyway. Still, two detectives with our experience doing this crap is just an insult. Bad enough we are working on a fucking Sunday.” said Tommy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8714269070653658590.post-6746218766477966272011-11-27T18:55:00.000-08:002012-07-29T00:01:17.720-07:00Joey Fish is furious... #SampleSunday from Seeking Angel<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Chapter Twenty Eight<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Joey Fish strode to the men’s rest room. He was furious; who the <i>fuck</i> did this broad think she was? Joey felt humiliated. The woman had spurned his advances. To cap it off the bitch had a dinner date with some young punk fresh out of college. Slamming the rest room door open with the palm of his hand he went over to the urinal and relieved himself. Cursing under his breath and working himself up into a violent rage, Joey looked at himself in the mirror. <i>Fucking bitch</i>! Thinks she is too good for Joey Fish! He thought, straightening his tie. Well it was her bad luck. <i>Screw her</i>! He could have a thousand cheap broads like her. Washing his hands, he suddenly slammed his fist into the towel dispenser. No <i>fucking</i> way was <i>he</i> going to be insulted by some cheap bitch. Spinning around he headed out of the rest room in an angry vicious mood. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: center; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">***<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sam beckoned the waiter and ordered for both of them. She laughed to herself as Willy accepted his new status, with the merest hint of a forced smile and reddening of cheeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Hey, who do you think you are, brushing me off like that?” demanded a loud angry voice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Sam looked up, surprised to see the man who had sent over the bottle of wine. “I beg your pardon; I thought you had left the restaurant. When I looked up to thank you, you had gone.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Joey Fish was too angry and too dumb to accept Sam’s apology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Well lady, you just passed up a chance for a date with a <i>real</i> man not this little pussy faced college boy.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Willy stood up. “Shut your mouth you prick. Can’t you find-”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Willy was the spark that ignited Joey’s explosive temper. Joey lashed out with a brutal backhand that struck Willy across the bridge of his nose sending him reeling backwards over his chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Standing up Sam closed her right hand firmly. She took a deep breath and punched hard, her fist hitting Joey square in the mouth, her heavy ring splitting his lip and sending him stumbling backwards onto a table. It collapsed loudly, depositing Joey onto the floor. Stunned for an instant by the realization that a woman had knocked him over with a single punch, Joey leapt back to his feet. Sam braced herself for his next insane onslaught, relaxed and ready. Willy was sitting on the floor holding his face. She knew instinctively <i>he</i> wasn’t going to be any use.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">A vice-like grip grabbed Joey’s shoulder; spinning him around.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">“Remember me Joey?” said a solidly built man who then hit Joey with a vicious blow to the stomach. All the air went out of Joey’s lungs as he doubled up. A fist that seemed to be made of brick hit him in the nose, breaking it and spraying blood over both combatants. Joey again went down falling on his back; his broken nose only added to his anger. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">He got to his feet. A switchblade appeared in his right hand. Joey intended to use it with deadly purpose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">The knife swept past the big man in an arc which would have opened his face had it made contact. Now the big man exploded into action. His right hand seized a restaurant chair; he swung it as Joey came in for another thrust. He took the impact of the heavy chair on his left shoulder. The chair broke, leaving his attacker holding a piece of shattered chair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span lang="EN-GB">Joey, propelled violently sideways, took out another table. Women screamed. In the restaurant guests began to hurry out of the way. As he tried to stand, Joey took a kick to the side of the head, which stunned him for a second. His knife hand was bent backwards. He screamed as the bones in his fingers made a cracking sound and he dropped the knife. Two huge fists grabbed hold of his shirt and he found himself lifted up to face his enraged opponent. <i>Now</i> Joey remembered who this man was. This was his last conscious thought. A right hook with venom behind it hit him flush on the jaw and the force of the punch knocked Joey out for the count. Flying backwards, he struck a large glass aquarium, which shattered, pouring wicked sharp shards of glass, warm water and goldfish all over the floor. Joey lay wet and unconscious, a large goldfish flapping helplessly on his shirtfront amidst the carnage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03898827964217659108noreply@blogger.com0