Sex in the City - A Pacific Island Tale
A satire based loosely on recent events in New Zealand's largest Pacific Island City.
By A J Burton.
Mayor Marvin Paisley
His girlfriend: Wang Chung: (absent)
Paisley’s Lawyer: Mr Jonas Bent
PR Assistant to the Mayor: Ms Alofa Oi-no-lie
The Mayor walked into the plush rooms of the firm of Bent, Swindle and Contrivance.
“Ah Marvin, come in and take a seat. You don’t mind me calling you Marvin, do you your Honour?” Jonas Bent guided Marvin into a spacious office.
“Well – ah - I prefer Mayor Paisley for formal occasions, Mr Bent. But as this conversation is off the record, Marvin will do fine. This is Alofa Oi-no-lie my Public Relations assistant.”
“Pleased to meet you Mr Oi-no-lie, I like your Lava-lava.”
“Talofa darling. It’s not a Lava-lava, Mr Bent - it’s a frock.”
“I must explain, Jonas. Ms Alofa Oi-no-lie is a Fa’afafine; a transgendered Samoan. When it comes to equal employment opportunities we of the Super City are totally committed to multicultural inclusion.”
“So, was having it off with a Chinese staff member also working to your equal opportunity employment policies, then Marvin?” Jonas eased his thousand dollar suit into the leather chair behind his ornate desk. Behind him there was a panoramic view of the sprawling city and harbour.
“Everyone sit down,” he intoned. “Remember everything you say in this meeting here in my office is sacrosanct.”
“Wait a minute - I thought you were the Mayor’s lawyer Mr Bent, are you a priest as well?” Alofa raised her plump hands in the air. “Praise the Lord we have God on our side.”
“No! Sacrosanct means nothing said at this meeting will ever leave this room. Everything we say today will not be recorded - in fact it will have never happened.”
“Oh, I see, so we not really here then.’ She sighed dramatically. “And I wore my special frock too. This is a strange palagi way to resolve Mayor Paisley’s problem.”
“It’s alright Alofa, it means we don’t want anyone else to hear and discuss what happened.” Marvin flashed a vote winning smile at Alofa.
“But it’s in all the newspapers. How you been caught giving your Chinese girlfriend a good fucking on your desk, in the council chambers. Even my auntie in Samoa knows about it.”
“She does? How did she know so quickly? The story only broke last night.” Jonas demanded as Marvin looked panicked.
"I rang her up on da phone and told her.” Alofa leaned forward and patted Marvin’s hand. “Don’t worry boss, I told her it was a secret and not to tell too many peoples.” Bent and Marvin rolled their eyes and face palmed in unison. Bent came up smiling thinking, this is going to cost more than I first thought, what a wonderful ca-ching moment.
“You better start at the beginning Marvin, now is the time to be honest. Leave nothing out. I need all the details.” Bent’s smile resembled a Great White homing in on a lone fur seal.
“Awesome!” Alofa rifled through her handbag and pulled out a tapa decorated notebook and pencil. “Auntie wants more details as well.” She sat expectantly, the notebook on her knee. Bent and Marvin looked at each other for a moment then they looked at Alofa who had already started to write.
“Alofa, you must not take any notes. You must never repeat what you hear today.” Bent took off his glasses. “This is a secret meeting to discuss how we are going to defuse the situation and get things back to normal here at city hall.”
“Ok, good idea.” Alofa grinned. “You can go back to fucking your wife then, your Honour.”
“Please, Alofa. No notes. Let me get this off my chest. I have a heart condition and high blood pressure, this situation with Ms Wang Chung is not helping.”
“Ok boss, you get everything off your chest. I can keep secrets.” Alofa crossed her arms and knees revealing enormous green painted toenails bulging out of tight orange plastic sandals under her colourful frock.
“It all started at a function for a high ranking airline executive from China. Ms Wang Chung was part of the official greeting party. We chatted and I found myself attracted to her feminine pulchritude.”
“Is that a palagi word for pussy Mr Mayor?”
“No, it means I thought she was beautiful. Now if you don’t mind, I shall continue. I sent her some texts and the long and the short of it was she agreed to meet me for lunch.”
“She is a slut Mayor, you only ask her for lunch and she wanted to fuck you?” Alofa smiled.
“Well … yes she did flash her eyes at me but I am just as guilty as she is, Alofa. She is young and I am middle aged. I was flattered that she desired me, things went on from there.”
“Can you remember when you first had sexual intercourse?” Bent leaned forward his voice barely audible. Alofa threw her hands in the air.
“You want to go that many years back Mr Bent? We might be here all night.”
“No! I meant with Ms Chung. Carry on Marvin.”
“We first had coital relations in my office about five or six days later.”
“Oh, that is a big mistake Mayor. Even in Samoa we never bring the relations along to things like that! People talk you know.” Alofa was staring at Marvin reprovingly.
“Oh what’s the point? I am trying to be diplomatic. I can see it’s no good sugar coating everything. Alofa, I meant I had sex with her, I fucked her, gave her one, screwed the pants off her, and did the deed. All of those things OK?”
“Oiiieeee that many times eh? No wonder your heart is on the blink.”
Marvin and Bent face-palmed again. Bent’s sides began to heave. He took out a pack of tissues, usually used for comforting his clients after they heard his hourly rate, and began to wipe his eyes.
“I am sorry Marvin, I know it’s not funny but, look at this from my point of view. Now where did you find Ms Oi-no-lie?”
“Following national policy, council staff decided we needed to hire someone who was from an ethnic minority and also from the gay community. It is part of our multicultural policy; we must show we represent every community in our city, no matter how diverse. My PA Reginald told me he personally selected Ms Oi-no-lie after a vigorous recruitment program.
“Yes, Reginald and I held many vigorous interviews before I got the job.” Alofa volunteered.
This time only Bent face-palmed. He took a deep breath and said “Alright Marvin, so you had sex with Ms. Chung in your office. Now I need to know about the time you were caught by a security guard having sex in the Ngati Whatua Room.”
“It was late at night, my office was being cleaned. I didn’t mean to offend anyone by having sex in the Ngati Whatua room. It was just there, a big quiet room out of the way of the cleaners. I didn’t think...”
“It’s alright boss. Me and Reginald have had two interviews in the Ngati Whatua room. We used all the furniture but-” she giggled, “I fixed the broken chair up with duct tape.”
“O My God! Having sex is becoming endemic amongst your council’s employees.” Bent stood up, turning to look out the window. He felt left out, none of the employees at Bent, Swindle and Contrivance appealed to him.
“Oh, no chance of an epidemic Mr Bent. Reginald is a real gentleman; he brings his own condoms. We clean up after ourselves and I made sure I put the Kentucky Fried Chicken boxes in the rubbish bin. We like it like that.” Mr Bent tried unsuccessfully to relax into his seat once more. He was breathing heavily.
“Thank you for that insight Alofa.” Said Marvin firmly. ‘To get back to my story. In the Ngati Whatua room Wang and I were naked, having sex on the boardroom table, when I heard someone open the door. I froze; I just couldn’t move. I couldn't breathe and thought I was going to have a heart attack. Ms Chung told me to do something. I don’t remember what, but I couldn't move. I just stood there and the security guard walked in. It was my fault, I should have done something.”
“I agree,” said Bent. “We must do some damage control. This action was very disrespectful of our local Maori Iwi. Do you remember who the security guard was?” Marvin hung his head and shook it slowly.
“There, there Mr Marvin, don’t feel bad. Ms. Chung is a lying slut. She told the press that you can only fuck for two minutes and that she thinks you are only a four out of ten in the sack. Even the cleaning staff say youse are at least a five.”
Bent staggered to the window. “Stop, stop, I am sorry Marvin, I am not laughing, believe me.” He said leaning against the window frame gasping.
“You look like you laughing Mr. Bent.” Said Alofa sternly. “It’s not funny. The palagi press have made our Mayor look like a fool; making jokes about his little laititi and him cumming so quickly. Even my auntie say he is just like a boiled egg - finished in two minutes. Sorry Mayor, auntie Palamo has no class.”
“We need solutions,” Marvin stood up and began to pace the room. “Ideas. What are we going to do about the security guard for instance, how do we keep him quiet?”
“Pay him off of course,” Bent smiled. “It’s not rocket science. If he works for the council perhaps a small promotion, if he is on contract maybe a lengthy renewal clause?”
“What about the press? Most of them owe me a favor here and there but the others want their pound of flesh.”
“You are newly elected and you need an overseas trip Marvin. I hear the Los Angles’ city council is installing a new sewerage system. Maybe you could take the wife for a few weeks until this blows over.”
“How apt, I am so deep in the shit now I have to hold my nose to stop breathing it in.” Marvin flopped back into his chair.
“Good. Then that leaves Ms Wang Chung. Let me set up a meeting. Everyone wants something in these matters I find. Recognition, employment, a new reputation. Once she has been out in the cold for a while she will come round to our way of thinking. However, we will have to spend a little more than what it cost for black lingerie from the two dollar shop.” Marvin hung his head.
“I know I’m a cheap skate. But I feel better already.” Marvin took a deep breath. “Thank you, Jonas, I know I am in capable hands.” The Mayor held out his hand and shook Bent’s vigorously.
“The firm of Bent, Swindle and Contrivance is here to help you in every way possible. Naturally there will be considerable expenses, but I am sure the city ratepayers will be more than happy to pay to protect the good name of their Mayor from slurs.”
“Of course, the public have their uses.” Mayor Marvin stood. “Come Alofa, we have another meeting. Remember this meeting never took place. It never happened. Alofa? Where has she gone?
Alofa was already halfway down the stairs speaking into her cellphone.
“Hello Auntie, I have just finished a palagi meeting that never happened. I have heard of such things - you wouldn't believe that these palagi are so devious. Now I have to ring my cousin Sione, you know the one who walked in on the mayor screwing his Chinese girlfriend? I can tell him now that he is going to get a big pay rise. You know that 55 inch color TV you wanted? Well it’s coming auntie, almost as quick as the mayor.”