Friday, January 6, 2012

New York’s Finest the Global Warming debate

Tommy was killing time until his shift ended, typing with an enthusiasm that bordered on dereliction of duty and at the speed of someone with chronic arthritis. Every few seconds he glanced at his wristwatch in the forlorn hope that time would somehow speed leap the mechanism so he could leave.
The sound of the squad room door opening and shutting broke the tedium as his partner Detective Bull Protettore, walked in.
“What’s happening Bull?” said Tommy his fingers leaving the keyboard like it was infected with the plague.
“Nothing much, same ole, same ole, did you get the note about conserving paper from the captain?”
“Yep!  I would have wiped my ass with it and saved some bog paper if it wasn’t such poor quality. I have had it with this we gotta go green shit!"  said Tommy spinning around in his office chair. "Man made global warming is the biggest load of crap since the Y2K bug, bird flu, mad cow disease, and I never had sex with that woman. Not to mention a hundred other things the fuckwit scientists have claimed they have almost discovered, so they can suck on the titty of UN Funding for a few more years!”.
“Well the world’s climate seems to be changing according to the news reports,” said Bull sitting down and logging onto his computer. “According to scientific reports, winters are going to get warmer and summers hotter, with more droughts.”
“Yeah like the incredible fucking heat wave of December, January of 2010. I got a hernia and a slipped disk from shoveling all that fucking sunshine off my car for two months. Didn’t some over paid, dipshit of a scientist tell us snow will become something our children won’t remember?”
“According to 97% of the world’s climate scientists the world is warming and man is causing it. After all they are experts in the field. Those are high numbers Tommy”
“Well whoopee shit, Bull! 100% of Christian priests think Jesus is the son of God, and 100% of Muslims believe Muhammad is a prophet of God. Those are even better numbers. But one or both must be wrong. How many priests would still have a job if they went around saying God isn’t true and Jesus was just a misunderstood carpenter?" Tommy drew breath before continuing his tirade. "Hey Bull you ever see a list of names of those 97% of climate scientists? Does a list of 'em even exist? I mean those hysterical bed wetter’s wouldn’t have a job if they didn’t at least pretend their theories were even close to the truth.” Tommy threw up his hands.
“Your fucked up logic has a curious way of screwing up my arguments,” said Bull scratching his head.
“I tell you Bull their predictions are just that: guess work, forecasts, speculation and what ifs! Look how those greenie, tree hugging, sandal wearing, dope smoking pricks convinced governments to build those useless wind powered generators. They are either shutting them down because there is no wind, or because there is too much wind. When they are spinning, they are mowing down the birdlife like fucking gigantic Gatling guns. Now we have those Chevy volts; how un-American are those retarded pieces of worthless crap. You would be better off driving to work on a ride on lawn tractor and at 90% less cost." Tommy pounded his hapless keyboard.
“So I guess you don’t believe in manmade global warming then?” said Bull sarcastically. “Do you want a beer? It’s nearly time to quit.”
“Beer, now there is a subject worth spending research money on! Hey doesn’t beer have CO2 in it?” Tommy stood and reached for his jacket.
“Yeah I guess so,” said Bull also standing, logging his machine off.
“Well saw my legs off and call me stumpy. Let’s go save the planet one bottle at a time.”

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The New Year for Bull Protettore - Drunk and disorderly

Bull Protettore is the hero of Seeking Angel by A J Burton which has seven 5 star reviews at
This is one of A J Burton's memories - the policeman's perspective.

New Year's Eve changed for me after I became a policeman.
As a young guy I did all the things you do in the wildness of youth: drank too much, smoked too much, fell over and woke up saying. "What a night! If only I could remember what happened? Sure by asking friends I could build up a foggy account of what may have happened but was it fact or fiction? I couldn't say.
For ten years as a policeman I could expect any New Years Eve leave to be cancelled. Single policemen were sent to the traditionally wild holiday resorts while we married men filled the breaches at home.
I often saw funny things and laughed watching drunks making total asses of themselves and recalling my own mis-spent youth. However holidays were also times when people died and were maimed in car accidents, fights, and drunken domestic squabbles. For ten years as a police officer I was totally sober and working hard. I never got to celebrate the New Year coming in.
I remember the drunkest man I ever saw still standing one New Year's Eve. The sergeant ordered me to carry out a sobriety test as Mr Jones was drunk in charge of a motor vehicle. I did my best to test the fellow, I made him try to walk a straight line in the constable's room at the police station. I should have used another room as the man lurched to one side and his head crashed into one of the square cubbyholes where we kept our files.
How his head managed to enter this cubbyhole with the accuracy of a sniper's bullet was amazing. What was even more astounding was that once his head was in the cubbyhole I could not get it out, despite pulling on his shoulders.
The drunk screamed out. "I have gone blind, help me!"
The sergeant came in to check all was well and saw Mr Jones bent at the hips with his head in the cubbyhole. Standing behind him pulling on his body I appeared to be performing some sort of unnatural act upon him.
"I can't get him out." I explained.
Together we managed to drag his head out at great cost to Mr Jones. The sergeant maintained his head had fitted into the cubbyhole so it should be safe to yank it out.
My drunk fellow then proceeded to vomit on the floor, slipped in it and fell face first into the mess. Now if I had written a comedy script about the incident it could not have been funnier and Mr Jones provided my New Year's Eve comedy for free.
After those years on the police I seemed to lose the zest for celebrating New Years Eve somehow. Was it because I became a cynic and regarded the whole celebration as a pain in the ass? Probably.
This year for the first time in many years, all my four sons are in the country at the same time and this will be the happiest New Year's Eve of all.
Birthdays, Christmas, New Years Eve are they worth more than daily celebrating the biggest gift of all?  
To me the simple daily act of living life is truly the greatest celebration of all!

Bull Protettore is the hero of Seeking Angel which has seven 5 star reviews at