Friday, January 6, 2012

New York’s Finest the Global Warming debate

Tommy was killing time until his shift ended, typing with an enthusiasm that bordered on dereliction of duty and at the speed of someone with chronic arthritis. Every few seconds he glanced at his wristwatch in the forlorn hope that time would somehow speed leap the mechanism so he could leave.
The sound of the squad room door opening and shutting broke the tedium as his partner Detective Bull Protettore, walked in.
“What’s happening Bull?” said Tommy his fingers leaving the keyboard like it was infected with the plague.
“Nothing much, same ole, same ole, did you get the note about conserving paper from the captain?”
“Yep!  I would have wiped my ass with it and saved some bog paper if it wasn’t such poor quality. I have had it with this we gotta go green shit!"  said Tommy spinning around in his office chair. "Man made global warming is the biggest load of crap since the Y2K bug, bird flu, mad cow disease, and I never had sex with that woman. Not to mention a hundred other things the fuckwit scientists have claimed they have almost discovered, so they can suck on the titty of UN Funding for a few more years!”.
“Well the world’s climate seems to be changing according to the news reports,” said Bull sitting down and logging onto his computer. “According to scientific reports, winters are going to get warmer and summers hotter, with more droughts.”
“Yeah like the incredible fucking heat wave of December, January of 2010. I got a hernia and a slipped disk from shoveling all that fucking sunshine off my car for two months. Didn’t some over paid, dipshit of a scientist tell us snow will become something our children won’t remember?”
“According to 97% of the world’s climate scientists the world is warming and man is causing it. After all they are experts in the field. Those are high numbers Tommy”
“Well whoopee shit, Bull! 100% of Christian priests think Jesus is the son of God, and 100% of Muslims believe Muhammad is a prophet of God. Those are even better numbers. But one or both must be wrong. How many priests would still have a job if they went around saying God isn’t true and Jesus was just a misunderstood carpenter?" Tommy drew breath before continuing his tirade. "Hey Bull you ever see a list of names of those 97% of climate scientists? Does a list of 'em even exist? I mean those hysterical bed wetter’s wouldn’t have a job if they didn’t at least pretend their theories were even close to the truth.” Tommy threw up his hands.
“Your fucked up logic has a curious way of screwing up my arguments,” said Bull scratching his head.
“I tell you Bull their predictions are just that: guess work, forecasts, speculation and what ifs! Look how those greenie, tree hugging, sandal wearing, dope smoking pricks convinced governments to build those useless wind powered generators. They are either shutting them down because there is no wind, or because there is too much wind. When they are spinning, they are mowing down the birdlife like fucking gigantic Gatling guns. Now we have those Chevy volts; how un-American are those retarded pieces of worthless crap. You would be better off driving to work on a ride on lawn tractor and at 90% less cost." Tommy pounded his hapless keyboard.
“So I guess you don’t believe in manmade global warming then?” said Bull sarcastically. “Do you want a beer? It’s nearly time to quit.”
“Beer, now there is a subject worth spending research money on! Hey doesn’t beer have CO2 in it?” Tommy stood and reached for his jacket.
“Yeah I guess so,” said Bull also standing, logging his machine off.
“Well saw my legs off and call me stumpy. Let’s go save the planet one bottle at a time.”

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