Hello, I am Amanda Dread and this is your 24 hour weather channel,
saving you from Biblical Catastrophic
Global Warming. It’s 8.30 a.m the 15th October 2022 and this is weather alarm
360.
A well-known climate deny-er Hamish Fisher owner of banned
website ‘It’s all Bollocks dot com’ appeared in court yesterday charged with an
offence under the Climate Deniers Act. He was remanded in custody for a psychiatric
report. His court appointed lawyer asked Judge Judas for leniency as it was
obvious his client was quite mad.
A Hastings school was closed at lunchtime yesterday as named
cold front 'Drizzly Adams' caused several children to slip over on the wet
grass. The Hasting weather trauma intervention squad has been called in to
counsel the pupils. Two nearby roads have been closed after it was discovered
their condition had deteriorated from damp to slick.
Meanwhile in the Marlborough district this morning named fog,
‘Lorna Doom’ smothered several vineyards. There have been unconfirmed reports
of hundreds of grapevines wilting under what may be the fog of the century.
Two busloads of carbon emitting Japanese tourists have been
partly blamed for the incident. Neither bus had paid the carbon toll and both
had expired carbon emission certificates.
In Auckland city the local council has rescinded a stand
down alert status to its entire road sweeping staff after named wind ‘Mariah’
was downgraded from windy to a gentle breeze.
There have been many
named winds already this year. 7 more than last year, a trend which although it cannot be accredited to climate
change is almost with a 97% degree of accuracy caused by climate change.
This
catastrophic trend has nothing to do with lowering named winds from 15 knots to
12 knots. The wind research arm of the council says 12 knots of wind causes the
same leaf disturbance as 15 knots so should be regarded as just as dangerous.
The Wellington City council has decided to name dangerous
winds with numbers as they are already up to wind Zeus and its only October.
On the political front the minister of Carbon Defense the
right Honorable C. Hunt announced the retirement of the last carbon emitting
vehicle in the armed forces yesterday. The latest addition to the army is an
electric armored car from the ethical armament company ‘Green Warfare Systems’.
The armored car is part of the new Firm but Fair range and has a range of
15 kilometers. Questioned in parliament about the short operating range of the
vehicle the minister replied that the range will be doubled once the armor
and the guns are removed.
The minister is also reviewing the new bicycle for the
army initiative for an instant response force formerly known as the Be Careful Out There Regiment. The big debate is - Should it have been a
tricycle?
Where do your carbon dollars go? New Zealander's have paid 20
billion in carbon taxes and have helped to lower the world’s temperature by a
whopping .000003% N.B. this figure has a variation factor of 1-2 degrees.
The UN
has announced that at this rate the world’s temperature may well be normalised by
3075. Well done New Zealand.
Now for today’s weather.
Cold front ‘Armageddon’ has stalled in the Tasman Sea.
The
current high pressure system ‘Apocalypse Now’ will bring sunshine and light
breezes over the whole of the country for the next twenty four hours.
A burn time
of 20 minutes has been issued. Remember it is now an offence not to cover your
upper torso under the Irresponsible Sunburn Act during an alert.
This message has been brought to you by UV 5000 the complete
UV protection. Remember use responsibly, overuse may cause skin cancer.
Buy those Carbon Bonds, the new way to buy better weather.
